A session in therapy

I would rather be sleeping

Yet here I am, another day

Another hour

Trying to let her know that I have been weak

Rather not give her the chance to judge me

Quickly! Look at the clock

Hour is no where from up

But spread a word with prim and prose

Hope she doesn’t see the paper that I fold

And unfold

And fold

And unfold

A little hint of me

She is sitting here

Next to me

A tainted little girl with tainted little dreams

Clawing at her throat

Twisting away from me

Am I the reason she screams, am I the reason she bleeds?

Sitting here

Next to me

A broken little girl with broken little dreams

Clawing at her eyes

Begging me to leave

I bet I am the reason that she suffers still, the reason she can’t sleep.

But for the life of me

I can not bring myself to care

My head

I feel empty.

Not that isn’t right. I feel something but not the normal kind. As though my spirit is breaking, shattering, quaking in my body to the sounds of a dying heart.

I can feel it leaving.

Every breath I make wheezing and squeezing in my chest. My lungs crushed between broken bones and a dark place.

I can’t take it

Yet I am here faking, smiling, lying to the people I love. Waving from the side lines using pride to hide what I feel inside. Bursting from the seams I am coming undone

But here I am.

I don’t want to be but I am and I don’t know how to stop, let go, be free. I do not know how to me. The normal me. The real me. The thing that I can help but dream.

And it is to late

I want to give up but here I am. Decaying flesh and hopeless despair. Melting toa darken state. Smiling with out a care to hide my mistake.

Give and Take

I wanted her but I did not desire her. Maybe it was the way her head tilted when she smiled. Joy radiating from every pour just begging me to take hold. I used to dream about that smile and how it made me feel.

How It made me feel.

My heart racing with want for her. The need to take hold and possess her every being. I wished to never let go for fear that I would wake up and it would all be a dream. I guess in reality that is exactly what it was.

See, I did not desire her but I longed to control her. To feel her trembling as I splayed my hand across her chest. A finger dipping past her navel to that special place that made her quiver. I longed for it. Prayed for it. But I did not desire it.

I wonder if there was something wrong with me.

How could I, a healthy human being, not see all that she had to offer. An amazing body with a personality to match. She was the ideal being and yet I could only dream.

I often wonder what she truly thinks of me when she smiles, if she smiles still.

Does she also dream of me?

I forgot

Dedication to Nova, Fly with the stars you loved so much. If I am lucky we may one day meet again.

I forgot to be sad.

I forgot to cry.

I forgot to be mad.

Because I forgot why.

See a friend passed away two years ago but I forgot. Not her but the date that changed it all despite the fact that it still hits close to home and I remember her. Every fucking day I remember her.

But it is slowly fading.

Her smile

Her laugh

The voices she used to make

I remember but they are fading day by day.

So I wrote it on my calender so I could remember when to grieve. How long I should let myself cry and the hours that will have gone by.

Since I said my last goodbye.

Since I told her to be safe on her trip only for hours later she dies in a fucking car crash. She didn’t have a car and we joked about that. I made a comment about how when I was learning to drive I nearly ran over my moms foot cause I smash it when she said break.

We laughed

And reminisced

Made plans to get together and how we should talk more.

I made joke after joke about how we should talk more before ending it with

Have fun

Be safe!

To bad my words weren’t enough.

She told me she would but didn’t.

Whose to blame for this incompetence!

She was the same age as me you know. Life planned and precious goals.

I remembered the excited whispers to my daughter that next morning. Showing her pictures of a friend that was slowly dying.

No that is not right she was already dead and the plans I was so happy to tell my daughter would only come to completion in my head.

I wanted to reconnect with my friend.

But it is gone now because this year

I forgot to be sad

I forgot to cry

I forgot to be mad

Because I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

After Motherhood

I once cursed a friend for not caring. She laid her hand on my growing belly and told me I was lying about the pain. Stretch marked marred my flesh and yet she begged me to cry. Said it would help if I just downplayed my emotions.

Feelings hurt the baby you see.

Every laugh

Every cry

The baby feels it.

She felt that I was lying about the pain. Said it would go away as she stroked my aching breast. The one dripping milk upon her dust filled carpet. Tugging away only brought her closer. Her words like ember upon my burning flesh.

A child lay dying inside of me and yet she said it was worth it.

I should be happy with the gift given to me. The chance to explore feelings once more. My happiness at being with child destroyed its very soul.

There should be no pain, at least that is what she is telling me.

Running her hand along my slit as I force the heart from my body. Grey tones and broken bones but I should feel no pain. It isn’t worth it, she said, it’s all a lie.

I cursed a friend for not caring. For saying that my pain was fake. She told me I was lying as I laid my heart to rest. But I guess the curse was worth it.

Current event

I don’t want to do anything. Everything feels like to much of a hassle. Dulled compared to what it used to be. At least I think it did. Hard to tell what’s normal now. What used to be.

I think I was happy. Once

I think I smiled and liked to joke about horrible things. Things that made others pause and question my sanity. I know I giggled once when someone accused me of being a conservative. As though my ability to find humor in a horrible situation made it so I applauded the suffering of loved one. I do not know why I wasn’t insulted though.

But now. Things are different. Days blend into one another. They slowly become something I despise. These days and there repeating events, day in and day out. I think I am afraid of change but I remember a time when I welcomed it. Not with open arms but with open eyes. Recognized it as vital but now

Now I sit and bask in the glory that is nothing. At least, that is the more preferable lie.