K – Kindess

I guess I have overcome a lot in my life. At times this is not really easy to see. I surrounded myself with self defeating imagery in the hopes that it will help me see reason. But it never works.

I know that others have it worse.

I know that I am in a better place.

I know it.

I see it

But that doesn’t always help.

I am so used to it and do not know how to change it. If I am being honest here, I think I need it. I have spent so many years of my life hating myself and others around me that it is pretty much the only way I can tell that I alive.

I think I made a comment about how I am not good with “positive” stories. I do not do love. Or happiness. Or joy. Not unless someone is suffering in someway. I fully admit that this makes me an edge queen and quiet possibly makes me seem a bit immature.

But…this is my therapy. This is how I heal.

I may surround myself with negativity but it is the only way I can used to things.

Send it below or Fucking use it

I remember the day I told my friend that I would use this very qoute from her book. I was maybe 16 and have since lived by it.

My past defines me because it gives me the ability to create this things. I use it. So with my pain, and lonliness, and heartache, and stress, what am I?

So yea…I do not think I would have a purpose without it. I may never ever really get better and I am ok with that.

It is a kindess to believe otherwise and I just do not have the space for that.

Still I respect it all the same.

H _ Holdings

I told you that I was a curse

At worst a mistake

Upon a broken page

Pierced heavily with a holy blade

I am a demon made of sin

Because only the devoted would let me in

I am something to be forgotten

But those words spoken so prettily

Could never be the real me

I wish I was a demon

I wish I was cursed

I wish there was a reason

To leave this earth

Because I need purpose

I don’t want to feel worthless

Because I am not her

I will never be

I am not the key to your heart

You see

But there is nothing else for me

I am not a demon

I am not cursed

And no matter how much it hurts

I am worthless

A purposeless fraud

Just a sad little girl who is lost.

A/N I have not been doing well lately. Kind of depressed…ok fine, loads of depressed. All of the depressed please and thank you. I can tell you how it started buut I rather not. Since I still want to keep doing the challenges I will devote this week to the emotional drama that is my mind. Chemical imbalances for the win.

For those who do not like this kind of stuff all is well. I am only allowing myself a week to do these types of poems. After that I will save my innermost emo ness for outside of the challenge post. Because truly would I really be me if I didn’t debby downer the world.

J – Just me

I think I am a curse

Not that I will admit to it outloud

But still, I am

Something that is best discarded

(I look better in the trash)

Something that is best forgotten

(I look better in the past)

I am a curse And at worst

I am a nightmare edging on a dream

Just waiting to be discovered

A simple mistake

A makeup of fatal takes

I am a disgusting curse

Put on this earth by mistake

Should have never taken that first breath

Should have laid my soul to rest

F – Forgive Me

It surprised me that I liked it

The way you laid before me

Arms reaching out for some reprieve

I could see it in your eyes

Tears of glory full of grace

But I hold the rod you see

I am the one who makes you bleed

It surprised me that I liked it

So far from my conformt zone

Maybe it’s the look on your face

A sort of pain that can’t be faked

I can see you reach for a reprieve

As though that will save your life

You forget me dear for I hold the rod

I will be the one who fixes these wrongs

A/N I am not doing well… Hmmm mistakes were made. I will go over this another day.

Also pretty sure I misused the word Reprieve

Thems the themes son

So as one can tell I am not good at sticking to plans. I had planned to write about love and ending on writing about self-hatred and love for someone else. This was not my goal but it is were my mind is going. So for my week of poems I will be focused on writing my emotionally draining stuff but will try to pick back up with the original theme in the following weeks. Sorry that I suck so bad.

I – Insecure

When you hold me, I am not fully there

I am not…I am not aware of all that is between us

Stuck in my own head I grin and bear it

Suck it up and pretend to love it

Your soft whispers and Your wondering eyes

Your hands that hold, gently touching mine

To insecure to let you know

I stopped loving you a long time ago

I used to crave your every word

Lusted for you when the nights were cold

But something changed inside of me

Slowly, slowly I started to grieve

I am not beautiful as you say

Nor am I smart

Wise

Kind

Or brave

I am not a women worthy of your lies

But I guess this shouldn’t come as a suprise

I was never happy with myself

So I pinned it on everyone else

Found my heart in broken things

As if fixing them would fix me

You were just as lost as me

Yet here you stand as proud as can be

I resent this love you feel so deep

Because it can no longer placate me

As you whisper

As you hold

I can feel my heart growing cold

I do not love you anymore

Of this I am aware

Yet I will go on pretending

Praying with all my heart that you can fix me

A/N this took awhile. Sorry about that.

G – Gripping

I am not a fan of writing cliches, acually, I am a huge fan but I am not always tolerant of them.

The basic bad boy who turns his life around thanks to naive little pretty girl who think she is ugly.

Of course they have the techy (or sassy) best friend who is constantly by their side.

They are cliches because they work. We see the princess ready to leave her dull and unappreciative world behind and we wiggle in our seats. We see the handsome warrior who could kill with a single touch bow down to a common women.

“Love is a fickle thing” , we sigh into our drink cups. Clutching our books closer to our face.

But

There is still a problem with them.

Cliches allow readers to a greater understanding of where the story might be going. Rarely do we get stories that pan out a different way. YAs usually end with the girl getting with the outcast. The only times she ends up with the guy who “socially acceptable” is when the other ends up being a villian or is a tool.

The young boy who is trying to avenge his family will manage to do so but it will always come at a cost. His mentor or a family member will die within the first few books, maybe even the first few chapters. He may end up with a love interest but rarely will they stay together.

So I always know what story I am getting when I start to read. I know how it will end even if I do not know all the details that will lead to that point.

As I said before, cliche are considered such because they are overused but because they also work. There are only so many ways a story can go and patterns are really hard to deviate from. Yet, many readers and publishing companies expect writers to always be original no matter what. If they are not then there is a good chance their book will not be accepted.

Should we celebrate that fact?

I do not think so.

I despise cliches but I also love them. I am comforted by the fact that I can see the ending a mile away. Because I live for the journey. I live for those moments where the author gives me something I was not expecting. Like a book in which the sick person truly does die at the end.

Or a story where the boy was not able to avenge his family.

A story where the couple breaks up at the end

Or maybe one where, dispite the odds stacked against them, the villian is the one who wins.

I love those moments of uncertainty and I love those moments of clarity.

I guess it is the weirdo in me.