There’s something crawling on my skin
I can’t see it, but I know they are there
My doctor said I should give them names
Personalize the pain I feel
Find the source, discover reason
But I am sure that this is where it starts
There is something Whispering in my head
It begs for some attention
My doctor says I should give it
Listen with an open mind, invision
The lingering meaning at its core
I am sure if I do that
I won’t have a doctor anymore
I’m sorry for thinking about what it will be like for us to grow old
Our links hands surrounded by hypothetical friends
Shared memories, this is only our beginning
And there is nothing stopping me from believing it will end
But I’m sorry for all the miscommunication
Stupid fights that ended in us breaking apart
I’m sorry for dreaming that we will last through time and dust
Because no matter what happens. It’s these dreams I will be left with
No matter what ends up being
It’s this future I will be forever grateful for dreaming
I blame her
Because children are more resourceful
It’s more respectable if she is the reason
I can’t leave my home
I can’t leave my bed
People understand
In ways they can’t if it was just me
“Oh no worries, I know how it is”
“Lmao, that is just how it is with kids”
I blame her
Because it is easier to believe
Why I scream into my pillow
Why I can’t speaks days on end
They understand her
In ways I just don’t get
So I blame her
Just to fit in
I thought it would be better if I died.
A hopeful wish really, but one I still believed in. I wanted to go away. For everything to end.
Only, I entered an agreement for a new feeling. One which brings me pain.
I figured it would be better if I was deceased.
My rotting body used to study various diseases. For science of course. While my mother grieved and my father went on living. I figured, that with time, memories of me would fade.
Only, I entered a realm of false hope. When memories fade only to become the chains that choke me with yesterday’s desires.
I just wanted to go away.
As he slammed the door I could remember the stickiness the touched my lips. Sweet bitter raspberry, how I hate the flavor. I remember moving my arms to wipe my face but it spread the mess across my cheek. I left it there, from what I can recall, and got up to look at the damage it caused.
They say the mirror does not lie but I digress that such a thing could show what I have tried so hard to repress. The raspberry upon my lips stands so pretty against against my skin. My eyes don’t show how bitter it taste because I do not remember them showing anything. A blank slate. A broken shape. I can remember trying to brush my hair into place.
It’s messy bun that I tied that day. So proud because it frame my face in a way I never thought before. But the raspberry stuck to the strands is all I can remember as I removed the bands. The bands I had picked with him in mind. Coupled with the blush, I felt divine.
But he wasn’t home like he was before. It was my fault and nothing more. When the monster within grabbed my hand and pulled me to the floor. Raspberry kisses on both of our cheeks. As the door groans and creaks.
My ice cream has melted, upon my thighs. I can see it in the mirror that I wish would lie. Raspberry glistens on my lips. Bitter is which memories keep.
It leeches and bleeds
As I scratch with blunted nails found on top pillow.
They curve into my cheek to my head where nails can’t reach.
The wounded symphony of rust and blood
And red and lead
Tapping on the bones as I try to go to bed
It is testing me, a dream I can not see
As I roll with a grinded grin
And try to sleep again
“Do you believe in lesser beings?”
“Of course not, why would you ask?”
“Because I once thought you said you loved me.”
“Pfft, must have been a dream!”
I have made a habit
Of tying strings around my thumb
I want to make it last but
It keeps on going numb
I think that if I try
A little harder than before
I could probably convince my body to
Hurt a little more
“Do you regret it?”
“No, why should I?”
“Because you gave up!”
“No…I didn’t…”
“But you did! Had you listened to me-“
“What? Had I listened to you what!?”
“…We would be happy…a family.”
“No, we wouldn’t. We would be content. A mix of shame and regrets. We would have hated each other in the end”
“But-“
“And you wanna know what the worst part is?”
“…what? What could be worst than being a murderer?”
“That…that right there. We were never be fit to be more than friends. Yet you wished to make something out of what was not meant to be? Why? For such a little thing that we would both abandon. You despise me without reason and yet you scream about what ‘could have happened’ what ‘could have been’. When right now! Yes! Now! You hide behind a smirk. You want to be so woke yet you expect things. Grand things that bring about disorder. All because you felt as though a bundle of cell could bring us closer. “
“BUT OUR DAUGHTER”
“…”
“Or our son. Should have had fighting chance to become one”
“But you don’t want me”
“But…yes, still it would have been worth it since you already let me inside your dress. What a little bit more for both our sakes. Someone around to tie us to the stake. Sure we would burn and we may hate. But it would be worth it over this mistake. “
“So you would rather live in misery?”
“I rather IT live”
“My daughter…”
“Yes?”
“I do not think I am enough…”
“That is ok, no one ever does.”
NIGHTMARE FANTASY 