I lost my great grandmother last week. Or was it the week before? I can not be certain because everyday sense as meshed together. I remember her funeral. I remembering grieving with everyone else. More than anything, I remember being alone. I love and hate being alone. This trait is something that made it difficult to keep in touch. But I tried to. I sent her pictures and I attended out family video calls. I even called her one on one when I could.
I can’t say it was enough though. I lost my Nana and I can barely remember her voice. I don’t remember what she looked like. My childhood is a giant fog. I know I love her. I know I hurt now that she is gone. But I don’t remember why. What memories did we share? I can not recall a single thing.
I never got the chance to know the stars. Those flickering scars that rob the sky. Bright blights that hindered my growth. I missed them. Though I promise I never would. Because she is not here to see them. For me, that is reason enough to get rid of them.
The ocean, I despise it. With every moment of the tide I die a little more inside. I rather it fade away. Or give me room to drown. Because I can not bare the sight, while she is no longer around.
These memories, they haunt me. I would rather forget. Because is not here to share in them. I see no reason to give in. To my brain hidden inclination, to remember a forgiving friend.
A hopeful wish really, but one I still believed in. I wanted to go away. For everything to end.
Only, I entered an agreement for a new feeling. One which brings me pain.
I figured it would be better if I was deceased.
My rotting body used to study various diseases. For science of course. While my mother grieved and my father went on living. I figured, that with time, memories of me would fade.
Only, I entered a realm of false hope. When memories fade only to become the chains that choke me with yesterday’s desires.
I do not remember screaming, but it must have been loud enough to wake what demons had been standing by. For when I opened my eyes next they had been sitting at my side with such pitiful looks. One gently laid his hand on my chest while alone started to cry. When he took away I could see blood from a wound I could no recall ever getting.
Carved into me so deeply
There may have been a moment when I tried to move, but I can not remember. Waking up in a room full of people who could not see. Their eyes sewed shut with broken pieces of red string. I only just begin to notice one sniffing the air when I begin to hear again.
Someone nearby is weeping
Carefully I extend a hand. Grasp for what left. What’s there. I do not think she has noticed me. So committed to her screaming. There are tears I wish I could expend but I fear the meaning would be lost to her. Poor lamb who got caught. Poor lamb who may never get up
A/N Normally I do not talk about the inspiration for my post but this one I had to include. This poem came to me while looking at one of my friends creations. They had sewed together a bag that I just absolutely adore. Being able to see every step they took to making it. The energy, the heart, the literal blood at times, made me appreciate those who craft with their hands even more. Now, I am not gifted as they are, and even though I found some inspiration in what they had made, I had to show it another way. This is my creation and I am forever grateful for the support my friend has given me.
In return I am sharing Laurens work. If you like this poem please take a look at their Etsy page. They make custom work and are more than willing to work with people to get them that desire. Most, if not everything, is one of a kind. So if you like standing out and being unique, give it a go, if not, still leave them some love!! They will surely appreciate it.
A/N this will most likely be continued in another poem since I never actually figured out which version was the truth and which one was the lie. Clearly this has only one version show buuut I got more to say…I think.
Dedication to Nova, Fly with the stars you loved so much. If I am lucky we may one day meet again.
I forgot to be sad.
I forgot to cry.
I forgot to be mad.
Because I forgot why.
See a friend passed away two years ago but I forgot. Not her but the date that changed it all despite the fact that it still hits close to home and I remember her. Every fucking day I remember her.
But it is slowly fading.
Her smile
Her laugh
The voices she used to make
I remember but they are fading day by day.
So I wrote it on my calender so I could remember when to grieve. How long I should let myself cry and the hours that will have gone by.
Since I said my last goodbye.
Since I told her to be safe on her trip only for hours later she dies in a fucking car crash. She didn’t have a car and we joked about that. I made a comment about how when I was learning to drive I nearly ran over my moms foot cause I smash it when she said break.
We laughed
And reminisced
Made plans to get together and how we should talk more.
I made joke after joke about how we should talk more before ending it with
Have fun
Be safe!
To bad my words weren’t enough.
She told me she would but didn’t.
Whose to blame for this incompetence!
She was the same age as me you know. Life planned and precious goals.
I remembered the excited whispers to my daughter that next morning. Showing her pictures of a friend that was slowly dying.
No that is not right she was already dead and the plans I was so happy to tell my daughter would only come to completion in my head.
NIGHTMARE FANTASY 