Monthly Archives: December 2017

Rational irrationality

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I am angry, and in my head it js for a very valid reason.

I am angry and no amount of “your being unfair” is going to fix it.

I am angry and your anger will only ignite it.

Today is my daughters birthday. My pride and joy is turning four years old.

Yet to me it was a horrible day.

She did have a really good day but it hurt to hear all these excues to why people didn’t call to talk to her.

Not as though anyone makes time for her most any other day but I thought people would try to make an effort to speak to her. Those who did called later on in the day. Late late at night when any other day she woukd have been preparing for bed.

I understand that people work and what not but seriously. No one could call before work? Are lunch breaks not a thing? She is four. She doesnt care if you call long enough to even just sing her happy birthday. Rarely does she ever want to sit on the phone for longer than five mins. Yet no one…no one called her during reasonable hours. Only two people had a valid excuse and even they called pretty. Her aunts,uncles,cousin,father, grandparents no one called her.

Yet those who do not share her blood made time for her. They helped me throw her an amazing party. They got her presents she will cherish greatly ( for the next few months or so)

People started flooding in with their love and well wishes after I made a post for not calling, but again this was people who didn’t share her blood.

My best friends…my supposed best friends said nothing.

I can’t help but hate the world right now for this very simple reason.

Whether I am being rational or not is not something I care about at this moment.

I know it is silly but right now I feel…betrayed. Yes betrayed because I always try to be there for others and yet no one seems to care about the most important person to me. Damn my birthday and other memorable events.

It is her day. The celebration of her life and how dare they say they love and care for her when they can’t even make time out of theirs to check up on her.

I am so done with everything.

She still had a good day but I will remember this.

Listen and repeat

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I want to show you that I love you

Is there a way in which I can do this?

One day I got sick. Nothing to bad but bad enough to were I couldn’t get out of bed without experiencing some pain. Being a single parent, an illness like this can be hard to deal with.

My child understood I was sick but not why every time I moved I suddenly wanted to cry or why I sat on the couch most of the day.

She always plays even when she is sick and wanted me to do the same. So I had to work through my pain and be there for her. Even when I just wanted to lay down and sleep. I still made all of her meals, watched tv, and played games with her.

I wanted to give up and sleep so bad though. At one point I actually did fall asleep. My daughter stayed by my side the whole time playing on my phone.

I felt like such a monster when I woke up. How could I fall asleep while my child was awake???

But what could I do?

I had no one who could watch her. The last time I went to the hospital over an illness they called CPS cause I didn’t have anyone to watch her while I went to the emergency room and was potentially admitted. So that was out of the question.

Basically I was forced to parent through my illness (which was food poisoning by the way my. My daughter didn’t get it cause she doesn’t eat meat and I was experimenting)

I think most parents, even many single parents, do not think about stuff like this.

How they will go about things sick and without help.

I once knew of a family where both mother and child were wheelchair bound. Do people understand how difficult that is?

Not many.

We take things for granted all the while judging others for not being just like us.

Sitting in the battle field

Grabbed the man I tried to kill

Looked in the eye and questioned why

Why must we go through life

With blinders in our eyes

Looking forward in days on end

Thinking naught of those who stand

Beside us as we crawl on by

Judge them harshly for choices unknown

As though we do have to make our own

Standing on the battle field

Clutching the hand of the man I tried to kill

Asking God for the reason why

Taking this life was seen as right

What made him beneath me

What made it so we can’t see

Those who stand Beside as

As we crawl through people we can’t see

Bloody hands are grasping me

Eyes clenched but begging me

What gives us the right to what life

Is worth less then another’s

We go through life breathing

Deceiving those who stand close by

Ignoring them with all out might

But judging them if they come within sight

Walking across the battle field

I can no longer feel a thing

Say it with me

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I like the words low self-esteem. That makes it seem like there is hope. That one day it can come back.

Now zero self-esteem, that is a different story. That means there is no chance of it coming back without some outside help.

But how can we go about life lacking it and expect others to help us. We are always being told that if we do not love ourselves then no one else will love us. So what if a person hates themselves with a passion, does that mean that they will always be alone?

I like to think that there is a chance they can be happy. It will just take someone from the outside to help them see the light.

She used to be hopeful

She used to try

She used to smile

Once upon a time

A bright future a head of her

But her head in the clouds

She used to be normal

Then she was found

In a backend ally

With her knees on the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

She used to be everything

She used to be love

Now she is nothing

Someone we all judge

Needle in her arm

And hate in her heart

How did this happen

What tore her world apart?

She used to be helpful

She used to be wise

She used to be everything

In her loved ones eyes

But now she is found

Laying in the ground

Surrounded by people

But lost in the sound

Of her own imagination

Of her own mistakes

She used to full of life

And now she slowly breaks

Needle in her arms

Blood on her legs

Crawling on the ground

To get away from the people

That roughly surround

She wants to be lost

Stuck in her own sound

The Slaver Ring

Posted by Zeannaroux on

See your brown skin amuses me

Brings tears into my eyes

It is cute how you struggle

It is cute how you try

Think the dirt can wash off

Think there is purity in your blood

To bad you will never came away from it

You will never be one of us

There is savage in your bloodline

A disease that can’t be cured

One of those disgusting creatures

That likes to pretend they are misunderstood

See your brown skin amuses me

Brings a smile to my face

It is cute how you think you are human

It is cute how you think you are safe

We will never allow you to wonder

Never allow you to be free

Your just another worthless mongrel

That just so happens to entertain me

A/N I hate the way this ends. I feel like there is more to say but for right now I will leave it be.

Not really untitled

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Escape: a short and sweet poem by the petty poet production.

She sleeps by the window still

Hoping the cold will take her breathe

Not a day goes by that she doesn’t await this death

A sweet reminder of times that past

A goodbye forever to those who never had

An escape from the future of which she craves

A slow drag into a muddy grave

But, alas, she slumber on

Wishing to kiss death with all her might

Only to wake to the unforgiving morning light

I hate challenges and other extreme sports

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Ok not going to lie, I failed, I have failed big time. Started to do a monthly challenge and like many thing in life, I failed.

I gave it a good start but then things happened and I just forgot or just had nothing to write.

Not sure why I make these kinds of promises. Was that sentience even correct. I can’t believe that I had to autocorrect sentience.

Goodness me.

I feel like I have much ranting to get in with but I will not. Instead I will stop making promises and actually start doing stuff. Write when I can write. Like actually take the time to do the things I say I will do. Stop saying and just do it.

I feel like I will start babbling soon. It is a special skill of mine. Going on and on about nothing is particular. I am extra good at going off on a tangent. Pretty sure extra good was the wrong thing to say….or put there…maybe it fits.

I am not sure! I freaking failed the grammar portion of every test I have ever taken and that includes Japanese as well.

Yep, I am so bad at grammar that I even failed it in a different language. Is that a skill? I am not sure but I have it.