So, as one can figure, I forgot about this months challenge. So didn’t participate in full like I had planned. But I want to keep trying anyways. So as I gain my muses I will try to finish out the challenge in my own time. I won’t be able to make claim to actually finishing like others will but I still want to try to get through the letters.
Pray for me dear readers. For I have taken upon myself a mission of sweet release that may not come to me for some time.
A sight in the sky
From feathered wings tipped in gold
Fly, and catch the sun
My mother wouldn’t look at me no matter how much I tried to catch her. I think a part of her knew. Of course she will pretend other wise, but what else is there to believe. The women who carried me would never be capable of this. At least, that is the story I wish I could believe. My own mother can not bare to look at me. She turns away every chance she gets. Lips tremble as she lies. Eyes glisten as she hides. She can stand to touch my hand. Or rather, what little that is left. I think it scares her. But I wish she could see that it scares me more. I am the one who will never be loved. The one who will always be alone. I can find my beauty in other things. But not if she can not do this simple task. I need my mother to see me. I need her not to grieve whats gone. She can’t bare it though. Despite that fact that it was I who was wronged.
He took his time with me.
I do not remember screaming, but it must have been loud enough to wake what demons had been standing by. For when I opened my eyes next they had been sitting at my side with such pitiful looks. One gently laid his hand on my chest while alone started to cry. When he took away I could see blood from a wound I could no recall ever getting.
Carved into me so deeply
There may have been a moment when I tried to move, but I can not remember. Waking up in a room full of people who could not see. Their eyes sewed shut with broken pieces of red string. I only just begin to notice one sniffing the air when I begin to hear again.
Someone nearby is weeping
Carefully I extend a hand. Grasp for what left. What’s there. I do not think she has noticed me. So committed to her screaming. There are tears I wish I could expend but I fear the meaning would be lost to her. Poor lamb who got caught. Poor lamb who may never get up
Reckless sinner unhand me
speaking words as you bleed
did you not see the lies
or where you to busy averting you eyes
hiding away from gods grace
turning love to shame in his holy name
tactless sinner who dared to grieve
speaking words till you bleed
did you mean to unhand me
or where you to busy down on your knees
begging a god who has left unseen
soaking in such terrible dreams
thoughtless sinner who left me free
drowning in words that surely bleed
you weren’t meant to do these deeds
yet you lie there in a broken heap
revenge for a god who can never be
I have spoken a curse
As I lay in bed I begin to think of all the reasons I may have failed today. From sleeping in till noon. To ignoring my daughter as she gives an extensive recap to the movie we just finished watching…for the fifth time this week. I don’t think I am doing enough but what else is there to do? The school work that has since piled up? The text messages and phone calls that never came should probably be returned. But will I? Probably not. I do not think that I will change.
Admits all of this turmoil I do not think that I can. It is a blessing really
Or rather a curse.
For here sit complaining about my lack of action as if it is the fault of someone else. Maybe it would better if it was. The blame doesn’t sit right in my skin. Woo that line. Please refrain of harping at me if I happened to use it in a poem. I am a very petty poet with angsty dreams and one must never stray from ones comfort zone.
But I digress.
I think it would better if I do not speak such curses outloud. Keep them bottled up inside and try to appear normal. That is the goal we all share right? Be normal
Feel normal
Exude such normalcy that it becomes instinctive to the soul.
Curses only hurt those who…
Oh who am I kidding
Normal is boring…
Bring on the pain.
That’s OK Kiss me kindly
bind me to the page
bring about the rage
that OK just kill me
neatly with no grace
I was made to expend
I was made to defend
Kiss me when the beat drops
Take apart, my heart stops
I was made in demand
I was made with you in hand
destroy my body cause you able
Suspended above the table
My blood is what you crave
So make it last for days
Kill me blindly with no grace
I was made for this disgrace
He has his hand on my thigh
A fistful of regret tightly clenched in each touch
He speaks to me, not wanting me
but desire slickers in blank spaces
Where her face was once seen erases
He doesn’t want me but I am the next best thing
Alone and awake with such sensitive taste
I do not think he has noticed that I feel the same
Slinking desire for a man I can’t see
Holding my thighs together while whispering “forgive me”
“She is just so cute” came the whispers
as my daughter laid herself out on the floor
Knees askew and arms to the side
Face scrunched up as she gave such loud cries
I could see them standing to the side
Ignoring the pleading look in my eye
I need help, someone to step in
but they see her smile and tightly spun curls
Her mocha skin with such clear pours
A lady stops by with a whisper
“Here’s a five, give her what she wished for”
As if her fit deserves such a gift
But if I turn away I will be judged
If I continue on I will be accused of not
not loving her enough to control her behavior
“Pretty girls don’t cry”
Whispers the man standing by
So I grab the money and make promises I will not keep
Walk away from the store and in my car I start to weep
NIGHTMARE FANTASY 