I am a mother of a two year old little girl. You wouldn’t know this though because she think she is 16. She does things that make me look back and question if I ever did them. If I did, I immediately call my mother to say sorry.
She colors on everything. She puts everything in her mouth; including various body parts of hers. She should join a sport…pretty sure she would dominate the field.
She does strange things without reason. She cries when she doesn’t get her way. She has thrown shoes into the middle of the street in the dead of winter just so she could see her toes sparkle (I painted her toes and she liked them).
She eats crayons and poops works of art. She screams at me when I leave and screams at me when I am close. She tells me she loves me one min and the next tells she wants me to go away. She hates me..well not hate but she did tell me no when I asked if she loved me so close enough.
Despite this..the pain..the agony, the humiliation; I can’t image living without her. I can’t see life without her. How can I wake up and be motivated if I didn’t have a child singing the toddler version of let it go. How could I clean without someone coming up behind me and destroying it. What good is coloring if not hours later I get to see how brown , green, and orange look together (pretty darn cool).
Without her life would be boring. Yes I would have more time on my hands..but for what..to go to the club? To read more chapter of a book? To drink wine and stay up all night? My daughter makes me feel happy about waking up and hopeful when going to bed.
She is the reason I smile most days. She make it worth it..she makes life worth it. Cause without her…I wouldn’t be alive…
So today I am going to try something. I am going to try and keep up with this. I get discouraged and go a while without writing. Maybe if I keep it up I will actually get some traffic going. Here is to hoping
I never claimed to be insane. That is just the title you gave me. It is a small one really, compared to what others have said over the years.
I am not insane…not really.
A few screws loose here and there, but nothing that warrants checking.
I am not insane but go ahead and believe it. Keep calling me all these names and I will soon give you a reason.
It started not long ago…well actually it did. See time has no meaning here. See I was sitting down when someone pointed at me.
Shouting words I can not say. Suggesting things I refused to see.
This person..this creature…who went on and on…didn’t think twice about attacking little ole me.
I was an easy target back then. See I was so small that people either ignored me or tortured me. There was no middle ground..no safe place to hide.
I was forced to sit and wait..see what that day would bring.
Yet that day was different and still much like the rest.
That person sat there screaming…pointing…suggesting…
They called me insane…so I showed them insane
As I politely shoved my knife into their chest. I mean I did say thank you afterwards. I was very kind indeed. It is not everyday you get to see a beating heart.
Sadly they took it to heart…literally!
I assume that they where not brought up with manners such as I, because as they died, they let out this horrid scream. How rude of them..so I kindly ripped out their vocal cords.
See I am not insane…it is just a title given to me. I am not insane at all.
Even as I tell this story I can see you look away as if you don’t believe me. Clearing your throat , calling for a guard.
I know what they told you about that day.
I know what I saw…
I know what I did….
Why don’t you believe the little ole me could have killed?
Having a crush is like being ripped into itty bitty tiny pieces and being fed to wolves who only way to play with your inards.
So imagine someone..this someone being me. Developing a crush on someone. Not just anyone though. Oh no no no , that would make life to easy. No, a person who is by law unattainable. I don’t mean illegal! I mean someone who is so far above me in status that the mere likes of me would burn up with just a simple glance from them.
Life sucks that way.
I do not mean to say I am
UNATTRACTIVE unworthy. No, I am just shy. Yes…shy.
To shy to look at them. To shy to do anything but ponder about how life could be if I could just ~sigh~ hold them.
I don’t want anything more then for them to call me theres. For us to sit back and read a good book or two, as the day passes us by.
I would love to go in the sun and dance in the flowers. I long to sit in the rain and watch the patterns they make on the window sill. Seeing whose raindrop can fall the fastest.
I am me.
I am scared.
I am shy.
I am weak.
I am in pain for feeling a love that I can never express. A crush….
I can do nothing but watch as they claim another. Watch as they tell me all about their life without me in it. Oh I am there..but I am not…there.
I have a crush. A child game at love,
For someone I can not have….
I have a crush….
And I can’t do anything but be happy
Even though …
Feel like I am dying inside….
Whoever thought of such silliness.
Anyone want to give it a go? Try to take about your own soul
Try to make it like you care?
I bet you will end up here?
Where is here you may ask, why Wonderland of course.
Where things only make sense when you don’t think of them.
When words slur without a drinks and heart flutter without a beat.
It is hot in wonderland..or maybe cold.
You will never know unless you take a chance?
Anyone willing to take a dive. Make up excuses to why you are alive…are you alive?
How can you tell?
Just because you breath doesn’t mean a darn thing….
What did you do today..
Lie to me. Give your best shot to make me feel some sort of pain. Hold it against me as your try over and over again. Take it…
Make me feel something, I want to live.
So lie to me.
Tell me something that I haven’t heard in a long time.
Tell me I am pretty, that I am smart, that I am worth it. Lie to me like you used to. Make me feel warmth like you did in the past. Make me feel treasured. Make it last.
Do these things before it is to late. Don’t walk away without making me feel. Please don’t go…
Don’t tell me the truth.
Kill me slowly.
Break my heart, destroy it beyond repair.
Cause without you, I will always be halfway there.
Don’t leave me with memories I will always regret.
Kill me slowly, please.
Don’t tell me the truth as you leave.