A sight in the sky
From feathered wings tipped in gold
Fly, and catch the sun
H – Harpies
Category Archives: Alphabet soul
F – Freeze me
My mother wouldn’t look at me no matter how much I tried to catch her. I think a part of her knew. Of course she will pretend other wise, but what else is there to believe. The women who carried me would never be capable of this. At least, that is the story I wish I could believe. My own mother can not bare to look at me. She turns away every chance she gets. Lips tremble as she lies. Eyes glisten as she hides. She can stand to touch my hand. Or rather, what little that is left. I think it scares her. But I wish she could see that it scares me more. I am the one who will never be loved. The one who will always be alone. I can find my beauty in other things. But not if she can not do this simple task. I need my mother to see me. I need her not to grieve whats gone. She can’t bare it though. Despite that fact that it was I who was wronged.
E – Evade
He took his time with me.
I do not remember screaming, but it must have been loud enough to wake what demons had been standing by. For when I opened my eyes next they had been sitting at my side with such pitiful looks. One gently laid his hand on my chest while alone started to cry. When he took away I could see blood from a wound I could no recall ever getting.
Carved into me so deeply
There may have been a moment when I tried to move, but I can not remember. Waking up in a room full of people who could not see. Their eyes sewed shut with broken pieces of red string. I only just begin to notice one sniffing the air when I begin to hear again.
Someone nearby is weeping
Carefully I extend a hand. Grasp for what left. What’s there. I do not think she has noticed me. So committed to her screaming. There are tears I wish I could expend but I fear the meaning would be lost to her. Poor lamb who got caught. Poor lamb who may never get up
D – Defend Me
Reckless sinner unhand me
speaking words as you bleed
did you not see the lies
or where you to busy averting you eyes
hiding away from gods grace
turning love to shame in his holy name
tactless sinner who dared to grieve
speaking words till you bleed
did you mean to unhand me
or where you to busy down on your knees
begging a god who has left unseen
soaking in such terrible dreams
thoughtless sinner who left me free
drowning in words that surely bleed
you weren’t meant to do these deeds
yet you lie there in a broken heap
revenge for a god who can never be
C – Control Me
That’s OK Kiss me kindly
bind me to the page
bring about the rage
that OK just kill me
neatly with no grace
I was made to expend
I was made to defend
Kiss me when the beat drops
Take apart, my heart stops
I was made in demand
I was made with you in hand
destroy my body cause you able
Suspended above the table
My blood is what you crave
So make it last for days
Kill me blindly with no grace
I was made for this disgrace
B – Break Me
He has his hand on my thigh
A fistful of regret tightly clenched in each touch
He speaks to me, not wanting me
but desire slickers in blank spaces
Where her face was once seen erases
He doesn’t want me but I am the next best thing
Alone and awake with such sensitive taste
I do not think he has noticed that I feel the same
Slinking desire for a man I can’t see
Holding my thighs together while whispering “forgive me”
A- Advantageous
“She is just so cute” came the whispers
as my daughter laid herself out on the floor
Knees askew and arms to the side
Face scrunched up as she gave such loud cries
I could see them standing to the side
Ignoring the pleading look in my eye
I need help, someone to step in
but they see her smile and tightly spun curls
Her mocha skin with such clear pours
A lady stops by with a whisper
“Here’s a five, give her what she wished for”
As if her fit deserves such a gift
But if I turn away I will be judged
If I continue on I will be accused of not
not loving her enough to control her behavior
“Pretty girls don’t cry”
Whispers the man standing by
So I grab the money and make promises I will not keep
Walk away from the store and in my car I start to weep
Tasteless
A word spoken into exsitance has the power to tear me down but I can’t let it. I know it would be better to take it back but I lost the flavor and now can remember what it was like before. This word gives meaning when there wasn’t any. Bringing to life things that I should have just let die but I can’t. It is a curse to go back and give it away. Cracks appear on my mind because I decided to trust this broken word with a broken meaning. Leaving me spinning. Telling tall tales about how I have courage to defeat my own creation. But I guess I am paitent.
I guess I am just that paitent.
Liars Retreat
Thespian plays to end the day to
Dreaming but I can’t forgive
Them all dancing gracefully
As I fall down in shame
Screaming, screeching in my brain
Full of aching pain
That’s never ending
This dream full of dancing fools
Beating to the sounds of hearts
Falling , failing one beat at a time
Is evident here as I crawl in line
To sample the delight
Full of white lines and broken glass
Raised on high as crowds stand
With applause in hand to cover the sound
Of a thousand dying hearts
And fading parts
K – Kindess
I guess I have overcome a lot in my life. At times this is not really easy to see. I surrounded myself with self defeating imagery in the hopes that it will help me see reason. But it never works.
I know that others have it worse.
I know that I am in a better place.
I know it.
I see it
But that doesn’t always help.
I am so used to it and do not know how to change it. If I am being honest here, I think I need it. I have spent so many years of my life hating myself and others around me that it is pretty much the only way I can tell that I alive.
I think I made a comment about how I am not good with “positive” stories. I do not do love. Or happiness. Or joy. Not unless someone is suffering in someway. I fully admit that this makes me an edge queen and quiet possibly makes me seem a bit immature.
But…this is my therapy. This is how I heal.
I may surround myself with negativity but it is the only way I can used to things.
Send it below or Fucking use it
I remember the day I told my friend that I would use this very qoute from her book. I was maybe 16 and have since lived by it.
My past defines me because it gives me the ability to create this things. I use it. So with my pain, and lonliness, and heartache, and stress, what am I?
So yea…I do not think I would have a purpose without it. I may never ever really get better and I am ok with that.
It is a kindess to believe otherwise and I just do not have the space for that.
Still I respect it all the same.
NIGHTMARE FANTASY 