This year I will try to move away from my comfort zone. I tend to talk about some really depressing stuff so this years theme is Love.
Yep, you heard right.
I am going to focus in love and all the gooy lovely dovey I will never have ness that comes with it. No more depressing Jessi (unless the story calls for it) I am a whole new person this month.
What this means is that I will be both reviewing books and writing poems dealing with this topic. Some of the romance books won’t be just pure romance (I need that meaty plot) but I try to make it so every book I read main focus is on romance with other stuff more background. So bring on those devine sweat producing, hand fanning, hallelujah singing romance novels. I got my tea, my blanket, and my unicorn plushy ( property-of-daughter–with-extreme-caution-from-momma)
I did not post anything December which is kind of a first for me in a long time. I have tried blog something at least once every month for the past year or so. I am not really sure what happened since the holidays is not exactly a good enough excuse not to write. This has actually been one where I didn’t have a lot going on. I mainly sat home with my daughter so yea.
I have been trying a new style of writing but I am not exactly sure if I like it. Mainly because I have no idea if I can consider it a new style when I didn’t really have one in the first place XD. I have always been all over the place when it came to writing and I highly doubt that will ever change.
This sounds a bit stilted so I am going to end this here but I thank everyone who has been on this journey with me and wish you all a happy near year…days overdue I know…I am not really all that sorry.
Oh goodness this sounds horrible. I feel like I am typing literal trash. Not figurative trash but literal trash. I need to stop. Brain cells are dying.
I am in college now. I figured things would be easy but I forgot just how depression works. Every encouraging word is met with a voice telling me that I am fucking up. How do I explain to people that what they say is nice but mt brain won’t let me except it.
My professor flagged my profile and talked about what a wonderful job I was doing. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t accept it.
I feel like such a failure. I do not have anyone I can talk about this with. Not to say I haven’t tried but everyone has their own problems to work through.
I want to self harm like crazy but I can’t. I don’t want my daughter disappointed in me. The urge is getting louder. I do not know how much time I have before I just give in or blow up.
I think about death a lot. I think about how beautiful it would be once it all ended. I am to weak to do what needs to be done though. So many conditions would need to met. I am so close though, so close to being free. I am already alone. I am a burden to everyone. My daughter needs a better mother. I am such a shitty friend.
I like hate. It aids in the process. One of these days I will be free.
I told my daughter I wanted to be a flower. They are fragile but powerful. I hope she will be ok when I am gone.
I wanted it to hurt, I know I deserve it, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I gave them a reason to hate me. I wanted to be left alone. I knew that if they stuck around it would be unbearable. So I did all I could to make them all go away. I just didn’t figure out that this is how it would be.
I don’t like trusting people. It scares the shit out of me to trust someone. Once I do it is hard to stop and no matter what they do to me I can’t help but forgive them. There is a small glitch in this system though. Occasionally I am able to let them go. A So can cheat on me time and time again and I forgive them but they can do something such as lie about taking a drug and I am ready to break up never to think of them again. I will not cry and fight for them to stay. It is like my mind has to reach a certain point before it will allow me to give up. Friends can insult me and those I love but let them one day cancel a friends night and I suddenly have the ability to never speak to them again. I don’t know why this is or even when the glitch will happen I just know that it does.
It reminds me of glass breaking. Emotions are using contained behind a mirror of sorts. I understand that they are there but it is very muted. I feel them but almost as an after thought. There are days when I have to fake my way through what is going on, smiling when I feel no joy and crying when I feel no sorrow. I am not always sure how to respond to things but I do my best.
Sadly my best is not always right. There are times when I do not understand that telling a joke is not the best thing to do in certain circumstances. I get angry over little things when everyone else is having fun. I really don’t know what I am doing or what is going on till it is too late.
There is a small part of me that wants this all to be over. A part of me that wants to stop fighting for excuses to live. But this part of me doesn’t stick around long. Like everything else in my life it tends to fade.