Tag Archives: personal

At least Google Remembered

Posted by Zeannaroux on

October 20.

1993.

I was born.

I am now 27 years old and only just starting to feel like an adult. Maybe that is why no one remembered that there was any reason to celebrate. Adults don’t have parties. They don’t sit in anticipation wondering what all they receive in gifts. The don’t hover over a cake awkwardly standing as family and friends sing happy birthday to them.

No, instead they do what I did.

Treat it like another day. They don’t sit awkwardly refreshing their social media pages waiting for someone to send them that special message. Hoving around their phone just waiting for someone to call. Sitting in bed trying to come up with excuses why they shouldn’t cry.

I am an adult and I no longer need that validation that my existence matters. I don’t need family and friends to celebrate with me. It’s just another day. I don’t need anyone.

Happy Birthday to me.

K – Kindess

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I guess I have overcome a lot in my life. At times this is not really easy to see. I surrounded myself with self defeating imagery in the hopes that it will help me see reason. But it never works.

I know that others have it worse.

I know that I am in a better place.

I know it.

I see it

But that doesn’t always help.

I am so used to it and do not know how to change it. If I am being honest here, I think I need it. I have spent so many years of my life hating myself and others around me that it is pretty much the only way I can tell that I alive.

I think I made a comment about how I am not good with “positive” stories. I do not do love. Or happiness. Or joy. Not unless someone is suffering in someway. I fully admit that this makes me an edge queen and quiet possibly makes me seem a bit immature.

But…this is my therapy. This is how I heal.

I may surround myself with negativity but it is the only way I can used to things.

Send it below or Fucking use it

I remember the day I told my friend that I would use this very qoute from her book. I was maybe 16 and have since lived by it.

My past defines me because it gives me the ability to create this things. I use it. So with my pain, and lonliness, and heartache, and stress, what am I?

So yea…I do not think I would have a purpose without it. I may never ever really get better and I am ok with that.

It is a kindess to believe otherwise and I just do not have the space for that.

Still I respect it all the same.

Time is art

Posted by Zeannaroux on

At the time, dying sounded like a good time. I had it all planned out. Every last detail to the minute to the hour. Everything was to be beautiful.

What I didn’t have planned was the sound of my daughter crying. Her heart breaking into a thousand pieces. Pieces I wasn’t there to pick up. My death was supposed to be beautiful. No one was suppose to feel sad just joy.

I wanted the world to be better. I didn’t account for the fact that my mother would lose the ability to speak. I figured she would be ok. But for the first time in her life I see her speechless with no sight of it returning.

My death, so lovingly planned. Everything perfect. Yet, my father, I have never heard him scream so loud. So long had I wanted to see some emotion but now I fear the sound will never end. His screams reach me in my coffin. I believe I will never forget the sound of my father bawling.

Shh the babies are sleeping

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I am not a good person but I am just that, a person. I have my flaws like everyone else. I have moments that make others believe I am insane. I am not a good parent but I try to be the best I can be. I am not the perfect daughter but I strive to make my mom proud of me.

It hurts to admit my faults to others. When society tries it’s hardest to make us reach for greatness, for perfection.

I want to do good. I want to better than this. I want the big house, the nice car, the wonderful attentive family, and to be mentally stable. I am not though. With my current state of mind, I will probably never be. And I hate it, I hate having to tell people how fucked up I am.

Hate it when they give me that haunted look of pity. It drives me insane!

Now people can tell me to keep my life to myself but I am not one to pretend. I am not the type to have people believe it is ok when it is not.

Now, that isn’t to say I am a complete downer. I have my moments just like everyone else.

It is just that I use no filter in my life. I try to be honest about it and that sometimes gets me judged.

That is I do not go around telling complete strangers my business. Just those I think will care.

Ok yes, this is me telling complete strangers but considering I rarely ever get any comments on my post it feels almost like I am talking to myself.

I can say what I feel and only occasionally will someone message me with kinds words or advice. I need the help but talking to myself will work just as well.

I cry a lot when I am alone.

Usually when my daughter is sleeping. I try to stay quiet so that I will not wake her but sometimes I fail. So I have tried alternatives to crying. Other ways in which I can get these horrible emotions out of my body. Writing helps but it only goes so far.

Still,  I am trying. I cry so silently now that she doesn’t wake up at all. Sometimes I go check on her when I am sad. My tears often blurring my vision so I am forced to sit there and calm down.

I know that I am a terrible person. I know that I make all kinds of mistakes.

I am not a good mother

daughter

sister

friends

I am shit with every title I have

but I do try.

Thieves cant

Posted by Zeannaroux on

The language of a liar has always been good to me.

Recently I have discovered something about myself. I love Chaos…well…not really. I guess what I really love is the idea of chaos. I am the type of person who sits and thinks of all the dark and twisted things that go on in the world and wish it would happen to me.

I am the type to romanticize a kidnapping. When reading books I often wonder why no one falls in love with the villain. I mean sure he is evil but he isn’t evil to you.

There was a movie I watched many years ago where a guy kidnapped a girl and a women in hopes of turning them into a family. At the end they get away from him but I remember being 7 or 8years old and mad at them for doing that. All he wanted was a family. He took care of them. Sure he was a little angry and did some shady stuff but he never hurt them. They should have just stayed and listened.

As an adult I learned that this type of stuff is wrong but I am still drawn to those types of characters in books and movies.

But..when it comes to actual life, I try and stay away from people like that. I am still attracted to dominate people but there if a difference between that and just plain crazy. If a guy yells at me in anger it is over. I lose my shit and will yell at him back. I have been with some guys who liked having control and I don’t mind giving it. But I am truly submissive and will fight anything I do not agree with. I have broken up wirh people because of stupid, controling, and manipulative stuff they have tried to do.

So why in the world am I drawn to these types of stories? Why do I find myself angry with people who don’t stay with the obviously toxic people?

I honestly can’t answer this but it is something that has always bothered me.

A Letter to the day

Posted by Zeannaroux on

While going through an old notebook I found a letter I had written to my daughter. It was a true eye opener. In this letter I apologized to my daughter for taking my own life.

As you can see, I didn’t actually do that. I have a lot of letters like this in that notebook. Apology notes to my little girl who was maybe a year old at the time. Right now she is a happy four-year old. I still have these thoughts but not as much as I did back then. Nearly every week I wrote her a new letter asking for forgiveness. I think it is what helped me go on. I felt like I would disappoint her if I did it. Now I know I would devastate her. She loves me. She truly loves me for me. Something no one in this world does. She makes me happy.

 

 

The thoughts are still there but not as they were before.

But I know I can get on even with them in my mind. I know I may eventually heal. It will take time. These letters from my last have shown me this.

At last

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Ok this is it. No more games!!!

I am finally going to tackle some of my goals. Starting with reading my already published poems a lot and posting them to YouTube as well as submitting some stuff to a few places. I do not have enough for a book but even just being features in a magazine would be nice.

 

 

I WILL DO THIS…..

 

 

Wish me luck!

May ness

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Ok so for the Month of May I am going to create my own personal challenge. 
I used to love reading and from time to time I still do. But for the month of may I will be reading and reviewing books. My goal is read and review at least 6 books of various lengths and genres.

Here is a to a good month of reading!!!