It leeches and bleeds
As I scratch with blunted nails found on top pillow.
They curve into my cheek to my head where nails can’t reach.
The wounded symphony of rust and blood
And red and lead
Tapping on the bones as I try to go to bed
It is testing me, a dream I can not see
As I roll with a grinded grin
And try to sleep again
“She is just so cute” came the whispers
as my daughter laid herself out on the floor
Knees askew and arms to the side
Face scrunched up as she gave such loud cries
I could see them standing to the side
Ignoring the pleading look in my eye
I need help, someone to step in
but they see her smile and tightly spun curls
Her mocha skin with such clear pours
A lady stops by with a whisper
“Here’s a five, give her what she wished for”
As if her fit deserves such a gift
But if I turn away I will be judged
If I continue on I will be accused of not
not loving her enough to control her behavior
“Pretty girls don’t cry”
Whispers the man standing by
So I grab the money and make promises I will not keep
Walk away from the store and in my car I start to weep
I am not exactly sure when laughter started to bother me. When I figured a group of people experincing joy made me so sad. All I know that as times change I begin to look at laughter as a bad thing. Their happy smiles meant something was wrong with me. Doesn’t matter that they had been doing it before I even showed up, it was always at my expense.
I begin to hate the sound of people having fun. I begin to see their whispers as reasons to stay indoors. When a friend told a joke it was always about me, even when it wasn’t.
I am not an attractive person. I am not smart, or brave, or funny, or cool. I am everything a person hate. I am someone the world could make fun on for one reason or another.
I can not stand when strangers laugh around me. I always feel as though they are judging me. I fight the urge to run and hide whenever someone close by lets out a giggle. A smirk turns my stomach and makes me die inside.
I do better when I am alone or with my child. She can still hurt me with her giggles but I know that they are not always at my expense. I can be myself with her and she won’t judge me…much.
I hate being myself around others. If I show them someone fake then they can’t really hate me. Sadly, I do not really know the real me. I have no idea who I am so after awhile that doesn’t work either.
I guess it is because I hate myself so much I don’t want to get to know myself.
So I put in different personalities like clothing. There are so many layers that I don’t dare go looking for the core. I think it is because I am afraid of what I will find.
I despise when people laugh at me…or near me. I know it is because I have fucked up in some way.
It burns inside.
The urge to do some harm to a vital part of me.
All the while screaming for some form of release.
‘Someone fucking save me from this hell.’
Yet I know no one will.
I am all alone with a dull blade.
Ready to cut but can’t seem to figure out where.
I want it to hurt
I need it to hurt
I can feel it before I start to slice.
Take awhile to get things right.
Decided to just push with all my might
Since I made them hide the good knives.
Tiles floors splattered red
Favorite place cause the walls always stare
I like to think that this is the only room that care
It burns inside of me now
The urge to cut till I am there
Holding a dull blade against my vitals
Screaming for some release
‘You had your chance to fucking save me’
Though I know no one is there
A cut that is quickly fading
The door tells me what a good girl I am
Dearest N,
You are my precious sunshine. The reason I get up each morning and my reminder to go to bed each night. You are the best thing to have ever happened to me. Even though you drive me insane at times I still smilw at your antics. I miss those days when I could just hold you.
Now I can barely get you to hold my hand as we cross the street. Doesn’t mean you aren’t still loving, just that you would rather explore the world. How I love to watch you explore this world. You are so insightful to what is around you. Extremely smart and brave, you do and say things I couldn’t dream of.
You always have a kind word for others. Your very presence makes the world a better place, it seems.
How could someone not love you. My baby sunshine. My little girl. My precious angel. You are my everything.
Yet…I am not perfect. I am no match for you light. I do not make people happy just by coming around. I bring no light to this world. I am not brave or smart. I am not insightful. I see this world as cruel and unyielding. I am not happy. I am no angel. I am nothing.
There are days when I think about sending you to live with another family. People who can properly love and care for you. Others who are made of light who will not bring you down.
I am your opposite in every way.
How did you, one so pure, manage to come from someone as broken as me.
There are days when I figure you would be better off with me dead.
So I don’t hold you back as you age.
I hate myself so much that I feel it is rubbing off on you. Just the other day I heard you call yourself stupid. Please don’t do that. Never think that. It is me who is stupid but I guess I call myself that enough that you think you are as well. You are not.
You are the one thing I did right. My gift to this dark world. My only wish is that you change it for the better. That as you age you light never dims.
I hope that you know you are loved.
No matter how sick I get know that I love you.
No matter the words I say know that I cherish you.
No matter how down I get know that you are worth it all.
You may be the light to my darkness but know that I am here. I am listening to you even when the pain won’t go away.
I am sorry for the hell I put you through. For the times I cried and couldn’t get out of bed. I am sorry for the times it seemed like I didn’t want to play.
You are my most precious baby girl.
My reason to go on.
I know that isn’t fair on you at all and I am sorry. I do what I can to make you happy.
This letter was suppose to raise you up…and I am getting to that point. First I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for doing and saying the things I do.
Sorry doesn’t cut it but know that I am trying my hardest to make things work.
Raising you is difficult by myself. People told me I should habe gotten rid of you but I didn’t listen. I do not regret that in the slightest. I hope you grow to understand that. You are not a mistake. You are someone so astonishing even the gods take notice.
I will not always be here but know that I love you my little one.
Know that no matter what is said and done that I will always be watching over you.
Know that my flaws are not a reflection of you. What is broken in me just proves that you are someone so strong that you can get through anything.
I miss the times when you let me hold you for hours on end. When I could caress your tiny face and hands.
Now you are older and want to play by your own rules. My this world be kind to you my love. Always stay true to yourself. You are a smart, confident, beautiful, amazing, generous, kind, courageous baby girl. My baby girl.
I know none of this makes any sense now but It will in the future.
I promise I will try my hardest to be there and explain it all to you.
I love you my sunshine.
Momma.
