Believing in me

I think I am done, but I am not sure how to be. I wasted so much time trying that giving up almost seems like a relief. Still, something is holding me back. I think it has something to do with my memories. Nothing in my past, but current events that haunt me. Preventing me from taking that final step.

I think I am done, but I am not sure how to believe. There is a small part of me that feels something close to relief. As though a big weight has been removed from my shoulders. I can breathe so easily and yet…those final steps are still out of reach.

A church of Echos

Why is no one listening to me

Screams the child in the church pew

Grandfathers hand down their top

And grandmothers over their mouth

Mom and dad standing at the opposite ends

Trying not to listen to the shouts

But that is not what gave the room pause

Over there sits a little boy with a gun in his lap

And rewards on his jacket

Drawing up a dagger and slicing into a peer

Color coded lettering screaming

Why is no one listening

But move the camera preacher man

Over there you’ll see

A girl squating over pill bottles chocking them down with ease

Shitting out insta likes

As the wolves paw at her feet

The shacking of the pills bottles gives a signal

As hands reach to spread her knees

Why is no one listening to me

Down the asle lies a bible

Covered in well wishes and kisses

Thumbs up with well intentions

It holds the congregations attention

As the preacher man walks by

with gleam in his eye

Giving twisted smile to the lost boys

And waving at the confused girls

Praising the mothers and fathers

Only to step past the blooded child

Healing vibes.

Share a story that has hurt you.

Something that ripped you to tiny piece and made it as though you didn’t not think you would survive.

Share that story, leave out no details, because I have a feeling this will help you heal.

Realize how much you have conqured.

The painful memories you can’t bear to hold.

Just let them go.

Share me a story if your deepest fear. Tell it all and leave out no details.

We need to see we are not alone.

Give and Take

I wanted her but I did not desire her. Maybe it was the way her head tilted when she smiled. Joy radiating from every pour just begging me to take hold. I used to dream about that smile and how it made me feel.

How It made me feel.

My heart racing with want for her. The need to take hold and possess her every being. I wished to never let go for fear that I would wake up and it would all be a dream. I guess in reality that is exactly what it was.

See, I did not desire her but I longed to control her. To feel her trembling as I splayed my hand across her chest. A finger dipping past her navel to that special place that made her quiver. I longed for it. Prayed for it. But I did not desire it.

I wonder if there was something wrong with me.

How could I, a healthy human being, not see all that she had to offer. An amazing body with a personality to match. She was the ideal being and yet I could only dream.

I often wonder what she truly thinks of me when she smiles, if she smiles still.

Does she also dream of me?

I forgot

Dedication to Nova, Fly with the stars you loved so much. If I am lucky we may one day meet again.

I forgot to be sad.

I forgot to cry.

I forgot to be mad.

Because I forgot why.

See a friend passed away two years ago but I forgot. Not her but the date that changed it all despite the fact that it still hits close to home and I remember her. Every fucking day I remember her.

But it is slowly fading.

Her smile

Her laugh

The voices she used to make

I remember but they are fading day by day.

So I wrote it on my calender so I could remember when to grieve. How long I should let myself cry and the hours that will have gone by.

Since I said my last goodbye.

Since I told her to be safe on her trip only for hours later she dies in a fucking car crash. She didn’t have a car and we joked about that. I made a comment about how when I was learning to drive I nearly ran over my moms foot cause I smash it when she said break.

We laughed

And reminisced

Made plans to get together and how we should talk more.

I made joke after joke about how we should talk more before ending it with

Have fun

Be safe!

To bad my words weren’t enough.

She told me she would but didn’t.

Whose to blame for this incompetence!

She was the same age as me you know. Life planned and precious goals.

I remembered the excited whispers to my daughter that next morning. Showing her pictures of a friend that was slowly dying.

No that is not right she was already dead and the plans I was so happy to tell my daughter would only come to completion in my head.

I wanted to reconnect with my friend.

But it is gone now because this year

I forgot to be sad

I forgot to cry

I forgot to be mad

Because I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

After Motherhood

I once cursed a friend for not caring. She laid her hand on my growing belly and told me I was lying about the pain. Stretch marked marred my flesh and yet she begged me to cry. Said it would help if I just downplayed my emotions.

Feelings hurt the baby you see.

Every laugh

Every cry

The baby feels it.

She felt that I was lying about the pain. Said it would go away as she stroked my aching breast. The one dripping milk upon her dust filled carpet. Tugging away only brought her closer. Her words like ember upon my burning flesh.

A child lay dying inside of me and yet she said it was worth it.

I should be happy with the gift given to me. The chance to explore feelings once more. My happiness at being with child destroyed its very soul.

There should be no pain, at least that is what she is telling me.

Running her hand along my slit as I force the heart from my body. Grey tones and broken bones but I should feel no pain. It isn’t worth it, she said, it’s all a lie.

I cursed a friend for not caring. For saying that my pain was fake. She told me I was lying as I laid my heart to rest. But I guess the curse was worth it.

She couldn’t say the words

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I would always love that way you smiled

I would have hoped to walk you down the aisle

Kissed you

Held you

Loved you forever

Treasured you always

The world is ours forever

But I wasn’t given a choice

Given a chance

Instead you choose to hold his hand

Kiss his lips

And hold him close

Forced to watch

As you walked away

I could have loved you forever

I still do

I still wish you would let me comfort you

Let me cherish you

Forget all the lies

Let me be the one to wipe the tears from your eyes

I could have given you forever

God! I still want to

But you chose him over me

Decided he was the one

Didn’t give me a chance to make you smile

Left me for him because it was considered normal

I still love you

I always will

Just wish you could have said the words

You always told me you could feel.