Healing vibes.

Share a story that has hurt you.

Something that ripped you to tiny piece and made it as though you didn’t not think you would survive.

Share that story, leave out no details, because I have a feeling this will help you heal.

Realize how much you have conqured.

The painful memories you can’t bear to hold.

Just let them go.

Share me a story if your deepest fear. Tell it all and leave out no details.

We need to see we are not alone.

Give and Take

I wanted her but I did not desire her. Maybe it was the way her head tilted when she smiled. Joy radiating from every pour just begging me to take hold. I used to dream about that smile and how it made me feel.

How It made me feel.

My heart racing with want for her. The need to take hold and possess her every being. I wished to never let go for fear that I would wake up and it would all be a dream. I guess in reality that is exactly what it was.

See, I did not desire her but I longed to control her. To feel her trembling as I splayed my hand across her chest. A finger dipping past her navel to that special place that made her quiver. I longed for it. Prayed for it. But I did not desire it.

I wonder if there was something wrong with me.

How could I, a healthy human being, not see all that she had to offer. An amazing body with a personality to match. She was the ideal being and yet I could only dream.

I often wonder what she truly thinks of me when she smiles, if she smiles still.

Does she also dream of me?

I forgot

Dedication to Nova, Fly with the stars you loved so much. If I am lucky we may one day meet again.

I forgot to be sad.

I forgot to cry.

I forgot to be mad.

Because I forgot why.

See a friend passed away two years ago but I forgot. Not her but the date that changed it all despite the fact that it still hits close to home and I remember her. Every fucking day I remember her.

But it is slowly fading.

Her smile

Her laugh

The voices she used to make

I remember but they are fading day by day.

So I wrote it on my calender so I could remember when to grieve. How long I should let myself cry and the hours that will have gone by.

Since I said my last goodbye.

Since I told her to be safe on her trip only for hours later she dies in a fucking car crash. She didn’t have a car and we joked about that. I made a comment about how when I was learning to drive I nearly ran over my moms foot cause I smash it when she said break.

We laughed

And reminisced

Made plans to get together and how we should talk more.

I made joke after joke about how we should talk more before ending it with

Have fun

Be safe!

To bad my words weren’t enough.

She told me she would but didn’t.

Whose to blame for this incompetence!

She was the same age as me you know. Life planned and precious goals.

I remembered the excited whispers to my daughter that next morning. Showing her pictures of a friend that was slowly dying.

No that is not right she was already dead and the plans I was so happy to tell my daughter would only come to completion in my head.

I wanted to reconnect with my friend.

But it is gone now because this year

I forgot to be sad

I forgot to cry

I forgot to be mad

Because I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye.

After Motherhood

I once cursed a friend for not caring. She laid her hand on my growing belly and told me I was lying about the pain. Stretch marked marred my flesh and yet she begged me to cry. Said it would help if I just downplayed my emotions.

Feelings hurt the baby you see.

Every laugh

Every cry

The baby feels it.

She felt that I was lying about the pain. Said it would go away as she stroked my aching breast. The one dripping milk upon her dust filled carpet. Tugging away only brought her closer. Her words like ember upon my burning flesh.

A child lay dying inside of me and yet she said it was worth it.

I should be happy with the gift given to me. The chance to explore feelings once more. My happiness at being with child destroyed its very soul.

There should be no pain, at least that is what she is telling me.

Running her hand along my slit as I force the heart from my body. Grey tones and broken bones but I should feel no pain. It isn’t worth it, she said, it’s all a lie.

I cursed a friend for not caring. For saying that my pain was fake. She told me I was lying as I laid my heart to rest. But I guess the curse was worth it.

She couldn’t say the words

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I would always love that way you smiled

I would have hoped to walk you down the aisle

Kissed you

Held you

Loved you forever

Treasured you always

The world is ours forever

But I wasn’t given a choice

Given a chance

Instead you choose to hold his hand

Kiss his lips

And hold him close

Forced to watch

As you walked away

I could have loved you forever

I still do

I still wish you would let me comfort you

Let me cherish you

Forget all the lies

Let me be the one to wipe the tears from your eyes

I could have given you forever

God! I still want to

But you chose him over me

Decided he was the one

Didn’t give me a chance to make you smile

Left me for him because it was considered normal

I still love you

I always will

Just wish you could have said the words

You always told me you could feel.

Being me

Who am I?

What am I?

Stuck between worlds, it is easy to get lost; to forget oneself. To wonder hopelessly in a void wishing for just a tiny bit of light. A guide to show the path we are supposed to be on. Just…something stating that everything is ok…or will be anyways.

              “If you don’t break up with him, I will haunt you. I will not go away, and I will not give up. I will do everything in my power to ruin your life. I will tell your secret to everyone you meet. I will tell it to your bosses, your co-workers, and your friends. I will find everyone in your life, old friends and family, and tell them about you and where to find you. I will find hate groups and tell them how to find you. I will follow you, and I will do anything I can think of to ruin your life. I will set you up for shoplifting and assault. I’ll cut the break lines in your car. I’ll set up accidents involving the people you care about.”….

….“So what do you say?
-Excerpt from “Trans Shift: What Lies Beneath”, By Noah Harris

What do you say?

What do you say when someone forces your hand.  When someone tries to choose your life for you. Threatens everything in your life and what you stand for.  For their own selfish reasons and  desires, they won’t let you be.

What do you do when your back is against the wall?

Will you run and hide or will you stand and fight back against those who try to oppress you?

There are so many people in this world who go through this. Who suffer in this way. Forced to listen to those words and abide by them in fear that someone will follow through with it. They hide from themselves in others. Living in fear…in darkness surrounded by no one but those will never know the full truth.

Those who choose to fight sometimes fall. They are the ones with the most scars. They are the ones who tell the stories of lost loves. Of lost souls who were taken to soon.

A few are able survive with light in their eyes. A little more are able to stand side by side with those they thought would hate them. Still to many suffer. To many are forgotten. To many will never know if it truly gets better with time.
———-now for the show———

Noah Harris has delivered something interesting today. He showed us just how fucked up life can be. He showed just how human even the worst monster can seem. In this story I hated and I loved. John pissed me off at times but I knew why, I understood why he did and said the things he did. Even if he angered me I couldn’t really blame him. He was the hugest hypocrite, jumping to conclusions,but I understood. John was hiding, he was always hiding. He was so used to hiding that when it was time to tell the truth it was difficult. John wasn’t always John and it hurt.

Being transgender is not a choice. It is not a fashion statement. It is not a medal given to the edgiest person. It is a life full of happiness and pain. Of standing in the mirror and wondering if it is worth it. A life of fake smile and lifeless laughs.  Of constantly looking over your back and wondering if this will be the day when they have finally have had enough. If this outfit, or this color, or this word, or place, or this… or this… If this will be where I say my final goodbyes to the things I loved.
*********

Tyler was pathetic at times. He couldn’t see what was right in front of his face. It drove me insane to read as he ignored all the signs that told him the truth about John. Tyler is a werewolf and should have been able to see it all. A blood thirty werewolf who would have killed to protect the one he loved. See Tyler always knew love. He hides a part of himself but was allowed freedom. He escaped with minimal scars when others had been driven out. He pissed me off so much as well but the thing about Tyler is his trust. He knew what the world had in store for him. He knew hate and conquered it before it ever came his way. He didn’t have fear in his heart. He wasn’t the monster most people thought it could be. He is a protector.

No one chooses to be gay. Being gay means potentially being alone. It means hiding and lying. It means being unable to trust those closest to you. It means being scared; racing hearts and sweating palms where ever someone gets close. Being gay is not a label to be won. It is not a game played in the dark. Being gay is hearts breaking and looks of disappointment. It’s an understanding that even those who are ok can one day use it against you. It’s an understanding that those who hate you will never let you live it down. Being gay is not a choice…it was never a choice. It’s fighting everyday just for another day to be free.

***********

–  –   –   –  –   – Bring it home   –   –   –   –  –

Trans shift shows deep emotion from two guys who fall in love. It is a romance but the erotic sex scenes are not really there. To be honest the relationship isn’t really there as well. While I do feel the love between John and Tyler, I felt like it wasn’t the main focus. The focus seemed to be more of the drama of John coming out. The book was basically leading to him coming out and the close calls that came with it.

The coming out scene was a bit dryer than I thought it would be due to how John reacted to finding out Tyler as a werewolf. I think without the supernatural element I may not actually liked John at all. I understood why he hide his past but the way he acted just made him seem like the biggest shit-head in the world. Honestly I would not have batted an eye if Tyler had Bitch slapped the shit out of John when he found out his secret. I think I would have ended it there. Sadly I understand it and Mr.Harris just loves to throw some reality into his stories. While some people would have left there are those who would not have. This point went to show that they were actually deeply and truly in love. Yes most people would have said duces be gone but he cherished him and knew that it was worth it. Still…bitch slapping is in season so luckily it can be saved for the side characters.

DIE BECKY DIE, DIE AND NEVER COME BACK YOU CUM GUZZLING SAUSAGE LICKING SHIT INFESTED UNWANTED DIGESTED PIECE OF HORSE GLITTERED COVERED KIDNEY STONE!

……

Moving on

…….

I hate Becky.  I think what makes this story truly shine is her though. She would do anything to get what she wanted. She will hurt others and force them to live how she wants them to. She doesn’t love and I don’t think her capable of it. I could go on and on about how she may have been groomed to be this way but whatever, she’s a Bitch end of story.

She is the embodiment of those who hate people who are LGBT. Her, along with Michael (may ye rest in Satan’s rust covered well used porta-potty) , are what stands against those who are LGBT. Their words and ideas are real. It’s sickening to think about.

Yes this is a work of fiction but it has many truths to it. Maybe I over analyzed this but it’s how I feel. Now..its well passed my bed time and I need sleep. Think you Noah Harris for making me miss my bedtime once again. Goodnight and sleep tight.


Authors Direct Webpage. Just in case you are like me and like to stal..I mean follow those few writers I adore

Goodreads Profile. If you have a good read account check him out in there as well. They have some cool quizzes and sometimes have freebies. Good luck getting one.

Amazon book Profile If you want to read the book.

Dear Noah, it’s me… Jessi

   To say that I love reading is an understatement.  No reading is life. It’s something that brings me joy; allowing me to escape to lands I can only see in my dreams.

      Today a book was released that I think will give me the best of dreams. It will make me view reality with new eyes. Allowing me to be anyone or anything I want. A fair maiden, a quick pirate, a shy werewolves, an elusive spirit. I have the power to change lives for the best…or for the worst if need be. 

I have a power thanks to others. A power to create worlds through their words. Someday I may even be able to help someone else in this way. 

 
    The story I am going to read is by a man named Noah Harris. He is a passionate independent author who makes the most interesting stories. He is also someone who I have had the pleasure of being acquainted with. His personality sweet and spicy just like his writing style. Many of his books hold a special place in my heart because of how original they are. Like all romance writer, he has his cliches, but he does his best. 

  My favorite being his HvZ series. Yes it’s one of those meet and fuck novels but what makes it different is that it’s sports related. Now I know what you are thinking, sports isn’t all that new, but here’s the kicker. It’s a sport that is mainly played in college and it the equivalent of freeze tag. Sounds boring until you throw zombies in the mix. Not real zombies of course but pretend. It’s a game I remember being wildly popular while I was in school. It has a supernatural element but it is isnt overbearing. Which is funny since the book is about some werewolves. Wolves in college playing zombie tag lol. 

It brought a smile to my face because I remembered something so fun. His stories are wonderful because he brings so much of himself to the table. 

  Not to say he is the best I ever read, but he is pretty close when it comes to m/m. Oh yes he writes m/m books and I love them. 

I have a deep love for books of all flavors. 

  His newest book is one i haven’t read but I am proud of because of the subject manner. 

Looking through Amazon and the libraries, I found that there are not many books about those who are transgender, especially when looking for something dealing with the supernatural. 

I am happy that he has decided to write something like this. It can be risky because it is easy to offend people. Not just those who are transgender but those who are not as well. Those who may not agree with them could be offended. A writer could lose fans even those who do read m/m books. So much could go wrong with it but it is a wonderful risk to take. Not only thay but this is his first full length book!!

 So subject matter aside I am excited as all get out. 

Once I get done I will write a review on it. I hope to have this be the first of many.