Tricks

I have spoken a curse

As I lay in bed I begin to think of all the reasons I may have failed today. From sleeping in till noon. To ignoring my daughter as she gives an extensive recap to the movie we just finished watching…for the fifth time this week. I don’t think I am doing enough but what else is there to do? The school work that has since piled up? The text messages and phone calls that never came should probably be returned. But will I? Probably not. I do not think that I will change.

Admits all of this turmoil I do not think that I can. It is a blessing really

Or rather a curse.

For here sit complaining about my lack of action as if it is the fault of someone else. Maybe it would better if it was. The blame doesn’t sit right in my skin. Woo that line. Please refrain of harping at me if I happened to use it in a poem. I am a very petty poet with angsty dreams and one must never stray from ones comfort zone.

But I digress.

I think it would better if I do not speak such curses outloud. Keep them bottled up inside and try to appear normal. That is the goal we all share right? Be normal

Feel normal

Exude such normalcy that it becomes instinctive to the soul.

Curses only hurt those who…

Oh who am I kidding

Normal is boring…

Bring on the pain.

Sleep aid

My daughter is crying in the other room

But I am to scared to go get her

I am afraid of what I will see

A giant figure standing over her

Caressing her whimpers

I am not strong enough to fight it

So I hide

My daughter is crying in her room

But I am to afraid to save her

I know what is standing there

A figure made of bad dreams

Touching her face as she shakes and whispers

A/N when my daughter was a newborn I was often afraid that something would happen to her. I remember watching all these videos about kids dying from SIDs or some other illness. I would constantly wake up and check on her. Doing the finger under the nose check just to make sure she was still breathing.

As she aged I started to have other fears. As I would open her bedroom door to check on her I would suddenly think that someone is standing there waiting.

They wouldn’t harm us but they would sit there. To this very day, and I do mean very, I am still afraid to go and check on her. I have to work myself up to it. I often hear her when she wakes up but I do not move until she comes to my door asking to come in. I stay silent… I know this cowardly but the person in my head is often one who loves her and hates me. To it I am a monster and she must be protected.

I am afraid but I know she will be forever safe.