Another Update cause I can

Welcome to the musing of an extremely petty poet.

I have had a lot of new followers and am actually starting to get a lot of repeats as well. Still not a lot of comments but I am ok with that. Just wanted to let everyone know, if you all haven’t noticed already, I am a terrible speller. And *spoiler alert* my grammar is even worse. So feel free to judge to your hearts content lol. I have had some people tell me that it is ok but it is something I struggle with and want to work on. I do not do it before I post my work but when I go back I like to edit a few things here and there. Change up a line or two to help it flow better. But if you see some mistake that doesn’t look intentional just comment and let me know. I will not get upset…ok I will get upset if said person only commenter just to tell me what I am doing wrong.

I am a single mom who struggles with BPD. I made this blog first to hone my writing skills but later on I wanted to show what it was like to live with a mental disorder. My poems and little story tell about my life and that of my daughter. Sometimes I can be angry, happy, sad, depression, excited and even, you guessed it, petty. I enjoy each and every person who takes the time to like and read my work. There is not a lot of information out there that paints people with BPD in a neutral light. Most information seeks to vilify us. Well I am here to tell ya that we are just as human as you are. We make mistakes and successes. My poems go a long way into proving that. Because some of my pieces are downright holy while others sound like the musing of a very edgy teen going through puberty. You get no in between with me really 🤣.

So I thank you and say welcome to all the new faces. I am sorry for the mess and look forward to learning from you all.

A touch strange

I hear voices but not what you think. More like whispers really. A buzzing that doesn’t really seem to stop. Almost like my mind is made of glass and someone is stuck inside of it. When it breaks I get locked inside. The voice is in control and boy do they love it.

It can hurt but it is a good kind of hurt. When I am in control is almost seems like it isn’t really me. I can feel things but occasionally it is the othet voice who feels it for me.

These voices are my friends and enemies. They do not want to hurt me but they do. They give me the best nightmares.

I know it doesn’t make any sense but it’s true.

These voice give me choices that leave me in dispair

Untitled

I am a huge hypocrite.

Daily a friend or loved one will message me about the problems going on in their life. I always sit and listen and give advice when needed. Sometimes they just need me to be silent and others they need my anger. Sometimes my tears or enough and others they just need my love. I hear all these stories and yet I am afraid to tell my own.

I am not a liar in a way people would think it. I do not really know I am lying till I am doing it. It isn’t big lies really but small ones. I can never give a straight answer to basic questions.

If asked how I am, I will always say “I’m ok”

If asked how my day was, I will always say

“It was fine, could have been better, but still fine”

I am afraid to show my true self.

I guess cause I don’t want to burden them with my problems. Or maybe it is cause in the past I was always ignored in favor of their problems. I am not sure.

What makes me a hypocrite though is the fact that I can not take my own advice. I ask them to come to me with anything but do not do the same to them. I give them all my emotion but refuse to express it till it is to late. I hurt and hide but get mad when they do the same. I am the biggest hypocrite yet I do not see myself changing any time soon.

7 Deadly Sins

As a kid I took a lot of personality test. There was a site devoted to them and I spent pretty much all day trying to figure out who I was.

Now this wasn’t your normal ‘Pick a word that best describes you ‘ quiz.

No, this was those quizzes where you tried to figure out what animal best represents you or those quizzes where you got to figure out how emo are you. Personal favorite was me going through all the tv shows to figure out whose personality fit me best. Things that don’t always tell a person who they are exactly. Just fun quizzes that meant the world to me.

Through all of this I took a quiz where it said which 7 Deadly Sin am I most like. I pretty much always got Lust.

I feel like I was a, excuse my language, one bad bitch for getting Lust. Have you seen the representation Lust gets on various TV shows. So that must mean I am somewhat good looking right!?

Well…no. See it wasn’t till I was older that I truly got what the 7 Deadly Sins were…or…are.

It was actually Dantes’ Inferno that set me straight. What a wonderful day that was. 10 years old and discovering sin for the first time thanks to the works of Dante. And by good day I mean I had nightmares for days.

No longer did I want to be associated with Lust. It was scary as hell and I wanted no part of that noise.

I am 24 years old now.

I can’t say that the idea of Lust is anymore appealing but I do know I do have a fatal sin. I know what it is the enemies could use against me.

It isn’t Lust. It was never Lust. It is Envy, Gluttony , and Wrath.

I am envious of those around me. Not to a dangerous point but enough that if people where to read my mind they would hate me. They would judge me. It causes so many problems in my life.

Gluttony. I have a hard time stopping once I have what I want. I cling to it and obsess over it. I must have more and more. I am not good with limits or boundaries and and prone to crossing both to the extreme.

Wraith. My anger can be a ok poison. I am not a kind person when I want to be and it is hard to stop me once I get angry. I will rage for day or even years. I won’t ever forgive or forget.

Now these are my ideas of my sins. These are why I feel this way. I do believe that everyone suffers from all 7 but I also feel that someone people sin in one way over another. Those who are lustful may not always be greedy but they may still live with greed in their hearts.

Much like my childhood fascination with quizzes this may seem silly to some. That’s ok. I am doing this because I know what I need to work on. At least I think I do. These are things that I know that are holding me back in life. I want to change for the better. These sins may never go away, they are already seared into my soul, but at least I have a good idea of where I am going ^-^

Rational irrationality

I am angry, and in my head it js for a very valid reason.

I am angry and no amount of “your being unfair” is going to fix it.

I am angry and your anger will only ignite it.

Today is my daughters birthday. My pride and joy is turning four years old.

Yet to me it was a horrible day.

She did have a really good day but it hurt to hear all these excues to why people didn’t call to talk to her.

Not as though anyone makes time for her most any other day but I thought people would try to make an effort to speak to her. Those who did called later on in the day. Late late at night when any other day she woukd have been preparing for bed.

I understand that people work and what not but seriously. No one could call before work? Are lunch breaks not a thing? She is four. She doesnt care if you call long enough to even just sing her happy birthday. Rarely does she ever want to sit on the phone for longer than five mins. Yet no one…no one called her during reasonable hours. Only two people had a valid excuse and even they called pretty. Her aunts,uncles,cousin,father, grandparents no one called her.

Yet those who do not share her blood made time for her. They helped me throw her an amazing party. They got her presents she will cherish greatly ( for the next few months or so)

People started flooding in with their love and well wishes after I made a post for not calling, but again this was people who didn’t share her blood.

My best friends…my supposed best friends said nothing.

I can’t help but hate the world right now for this very simple reason.

Whether I am being rational or not is not something I care about at this moment.

I know it is silly but right now I feel…betrayed. Yes betrayed because I always try to be there for others and yet no one seems to care about the most important person to me. Damn my birthday and other memorable events.

It is her day. The celebration of her life and how dare they say they love and care for her when they can’t even make time out of theirs to check up on her.

I am so done with everything.

She still had a good day but I will remember this.

I hate challenges and other extreme sports

Ok not going to lie, I failed, I have failed big time. Started to do a monthly challenge and like many thing in life, I failed.

I gave it a good start but then things happened and I just forgot or just had nothing to write.

Not sure why I make these kinds of promises. Was that sentience even correct. I can’t believe that I had to autocorrect sentience.

Goodness me.

I feel like I have much ranting to get in with but I will not. Instead I will stop making promises and actually start doing stuff. Write when I can write. Like actually take the time to do the things I say I will do. Stop saying and just do it.

I feel like I will start babbling soon. It is a special skill of mine. Going on and on about nothing is particular. I am extra good at going off on a tangent. Pretty sure extra good was the wrong thing to say….or put there…maybe it fits.

I am not sure! I freaking failed the grammar portion of every test I have ever taken and that includes Japanese as well.

Yep, I am so bad at grammar that I even failed it in a different language. Is that a skill? I am not sure but I have it.

100 followers

Yay 100(+)people actually like my writing.

This makes me so freaking happy.

Thank you so for the follows and feel free to comment or message me for anything.

Any kind of feedback is most appreciated ^-^

Hope you all have a blessed day