Category Archives: Bedtime

Reading well into the night is never easy. It is a chore! cause you never know who you will end up being during those times. A huntress? A vampire? A teen? A Teacher? A crazed stalker. Books help create dreams when reality isn’t enough

Lyla

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I lost my great grandmother last week. Or was it the week before? I can not be certain because everyday sense as meshed together. I remember her funeral. I remembering grieving with everyone else. More than anything, I remember being alone. I love and hate being alone. This trait is something that made it difficult to keep in touch. But I tried to. I sent her pictures and I attended out family video calls. I even called her one on one when I could.

I can’t say it was enough though. I lost my Nana and I can barely remember her voice. I don’t remember what she looked like. My childhood is a giant fog. I know I love her. I know I hurt now that she is gone. But I don’t remember why. What memories did we share? I can not recall a single thing.

I am bad at titles

Posted by Zeannaroux on

There’s something crawling on my skin

I can’t see it, but I know they are there

My doctor said I should give them names

Personalize the pain I feel

Find the source, discover reason

But I am sure that this is where it starts

There is something Whispering in my head

It begs for some attention

My doctor says I should give it

Listen with an open mind, invision

The lingering meaning at its core

I am sure if I do that

I won’t have a doctor anymore

Fodder for the fire

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I occasionally plan out rants in my head

Minor thoughts of things I wished I said

But there are times when they take control

When they grow past my original plan

Morphing into something that leaves me with dread

Today’s nightmare happened fairly early

I wanted to debate with friends and family

Regarding abortion.

To make it known, I stand for freedom of choice

Because every voice, is worth listening to

But it’s my voice that I wished was silenced

Because it brought with it memories long passed

I thought I got over it, guess I didn’t

Now it’s dark outside and I am covered with fear

He isn’t here, but I can hear him breathing

The hitched sound of a grown man

As he gazes upon an unexpected child

It has been awhile, since I dreamt this dream

But I can feel him breathing, as though he was in me

I just wanted a clean debate

Wanted to talk about something important you see

But here I am laying dark

Trying to convince my beating heart

That the remembered man is not next to me

Picket Fences and Daisy Drops

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I’m sorry for thinking about what it will be like for us to grow old

Our links hands surrounded by hypothetical friends

Shared memories, this is only our beginning

And there is nothing stopping me from believing it will end

But I’m sorry for all the miscommunication

Stupid fights that ended in us breaking apart

I’m sorry for dreaming that we will last through time and dust

Because no matter what happens. It’s these dreams I will be left with

No matter what ends up being

It’s this future I will be forever grateful for dreaming

A heavy nightmare

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I wanted to be someone. I think about that daily.

I wanted to be someone and yet I sit. I became nothing. I am not helpless, nor hopeless, nor lost. I am not broken from the wasted pages surrounding the computer desk. I am merely something that became nothing. A person less blob of what could have been.

I am still capable of many things. I can still write my way into a heap. Carefully singing old hymns of what once was. A dream instead of a dark memory. I am here cutting away and pasting little hopes I once held for myself. I make the patterns on my skin.

I truly did want to be someone but I don’t actually remember what that someone is.

A caged soul

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I think it is ok to feel. Yet there is no way I will allow myself to.

I hold myself to a different standard. Something not shared by those I love. I think it is ok for others to be open but I will never let myself to conform. Emotions are easier when they are locked in a box. No one is hurt when no one is there. I can show you some expressions but I can make it reach my eyes.

I have been told that I am a liar. That it is best to be truthful. But I am not ready to share that side of me. Probably because I lost the key. I bet that it is someone in my childhood. The one that I talk about with a smile on my face. Look closer you may see some cracks. But not yet, right now I am able to speak. Listen when I say that there is a chance that I will never give in.

I hide my emotions because it keeps them safe. I rather suffer in their place. I rather sit by and watch the emotions and in their eyes and know that they are blessed. They are worth it. They are precious.

I am not and I do not think there is anything that can change that.

Tricks

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I have spoken a curse

As I lay in bed I begin to think of all the reasons I may have failed today. From sleeping in till noon. To ignoring my daughter as she gives an extensive recap to the movie we just finished watching…for the fifth time this week. I don’t think I am doing enough but what else is there to do? The school work that has since piled up? The text messages and phone calls that never came should probably be returned. But will I? Probably not. I do not think that I will change.

Admits all of this turmoil I do not think that I can. It is a blessing really

Or rather a curse.

For here sit complaining about my lack of action as if it is the fault of someone else. Maybe it would better if it was. The blame doesn’t sit right in my skin. Woo that line. Please refrain of harping at me if I happened to use it in a poem. I am a very petty poet with angsty dreams and one must never stray from ones comfort zone.

But I digress.

I think it would better if I do not speak such curses outloud. Keep them bottled up inside and try to appear normal. That is the goal we all share right? Be normal

Feel normal

Exude such normalcy that it becomes instinctive to the soul.

Curses only hurt those who…

Oh who am I kidding

Normal is boring…

Bring on the pain.