Five glorious years

Today my daughter got into trouble. Nothing major but I can tell that it left a stain on the day. She wouldn’t listen so I yelled. After that moment she refused to talk to me. Even after I apologized and asked for her forgiveness she did not speak. Only later did she tell me that I hurt her feeling.

My daughter is five.

I should have more respect for this tiny human and yet. I think I put to much on her shoulders. I think I expect to much and get angry. She isn’t the best listener. She gets overly excited about pretty much everything. But that does not deserve my anger no matter how frustrating it can be at times.

My daughter is five.

I feel like such a monster. I told her so. I told her how I did not wish to hurt her. I apologized and asked for forgivenesd but…I also told her that it was ok. She did not have to accept my sorry. She did not even have to forgive me. What I said, what I did, left a stain on our day. I would do anything to go back and change what I did.

My daughter is only five.

And yet she lives her life with a mother who struggles with mental illness. She knows emotions like other children know candy and shopping sprees. She can tell you safety plans for every occasion and exactly what it means when mommy can’t seem to sleep.

Yet she tells me I am the best mommy ever. That she loves me no matter what. That she is proud of me. She looks forward to my hugs. She smiles so brightly when I tell her how I feel…even on the bad days. I am so proud of her and I tell her. I tell her all the time. I may be a monster but in her eyes I am worth it. In my eyes she is a reason.

I did it

Looking back now I am not sure how I reached this point. I think apart of me is scared that this will all end up being a dream. She won’t be here sleeping next to me. Instead I will be in am empty room. In a house filled to the room with depression and regret. I would possibly…I may even be dead.

But I did it. And looking at her. I can’t help but be afraid. I do not think I am enough. But in the end. Even that fear is worth it.

I love you my sunshine.

Joyful Motherhood

I don’t know how to tell my mother I love her. For that, I guess I should be grateful. How can I say such things when I really do not understand the meaning, the feeling, of these simple words. If it were up to me I would shout them from the heavens. I would tell her all the ways I appreciate her and the things she has done. How proud of her with how far she has come. I guess that is love and yet I am confused. These words, so overly spoken, only have meaning because I give them such. So what if she hears my shouted words and hears something other then love? Does that make what I said false?

Should I give up?

See, the word love has always confused me. It is a subjective response to something. What I may confuse as love others may believe it to be anything but…but would that be my fault?

Maybe because I do not understand this I can not accurately predict the way which is best to express it. What if my mother needs gifts, simple actions, wishes of more? Of course, for a friend it would be different, for my daughter even more so.

How can I unpack the various ways to show love and accurately pinpoint which ones works best with which person without going through the motions of stress.

I guess this is a lot to think about because, honestly, none of it really matters in the grand scheme of things. See life is unpredictable, at least it is to me. Something so simple as love and expression, trust and affection, will not look the same for everyone I meet. But intention! Yes, see intention, is sometimes all that matters.

I do not know a lot about love but I wish for my mother to know how much I care. I want her to know that I appreciate the courage it has taken her to bring her children to this point. I have a daughter, my own precious little one, and my mother has given me all of her skills, the good and the bad in raising her. I may not know how to properly show this love but I feel my intent, with every attempt, is enough.

Another soul made of rainbows

My mother loved another soul

But soon she had to let it go

Now I can hear my mothers tears

Whispered wishes that she dares not feel

A little one who held her close

A little one who loved her most

My mother loved another soul

So much so she let it go

Dispite the tears that she cries

And the whispers she tries to hide

She did what she felt was best

But it was I who was laid to rest

See my mother loved another soul

So much so she watched them grow

And when she could remember me

In her soul she did weep

But I am watching over her

And that soul she held so close

Healing vibes.

Share a story that has hurt you.

Something that ripped you to tiny piece and made it as though you didn’t not think you would survive.

Share that story, leave out no details, because I have a feeling this will help you heal.

Realize how much you have conqured.

The painful memories you can’t bear to hold.

Just let them go.

Share me a story if your deepest fear. Tell it all and leave out no details.

We need to see we are not alone.

I – Insecure

When you hold me, I am not fully there

I am not…I am not aware of all that is between us

Stuck in my own head I grin and bear it

Suck it up and pretend to love it

Your soft whispers and Your wondering eyes

Your hands that hold, gently touching mine

To insecure to let you know

I stopped loving you a long time ago

I used to crave your every word

Lusted for you when the nights were cold

But something changed inside of me

Slowly, slowly I started to grieve

I am not beautiful as you say

Nor am I smart

Wise

Kind

Or brave

I am not a women worthy of your lies

But I guess this shouldn’t come as a suprise

I was never happy with myself

So I pinned it on everyone else

Found my heart in broken things

As if fixing them would fix me

You were just as lost as me

Yet here you stand as proud as can be

I resent this love you feel so deep

Because it can no longer placate me

As you whisper

As you hold

I can feel my heart growing cold

I do not love you anymore

Of this I am aware

Yet I will go on pretending

Praying with all my heart that you can fix me

A/N this took awhile. Sorry about that.

E – Emotions

I do not need you to save me

To help me understand

I am not wise

Am far from kind

But you can not save me

I am a monster

With my emotions

My actions cause you pain

You with blood on your hands

You with hatred in your eyes

Try to disguise

To save my soul

But I am to far gone for hope

A/N I have some catching up to do. Was not feeling well.