Still

I remain disinterested in games. The long term commitment of staying the same no matter the situation. I am afraid of change. Yet, I rather put up with it in the hopes that it will be worth it. I risk nothing by sitting here. 6 am and still ashamed, I gained nothing by huddling under the cover.

Escaping the cold that I could easily end. Thinking of you. Wishing for you. Steadily hating myself because I can help but dream of you. 6 am and I refuse to sleep. I refuse to see your face as I dream. It is a game really. To see how long I will pass. 6 am and I am still here.  Eyes wide open and mind full of so many fears. I am so very tired but I refuse to give in. I refuse to play along to a game I know I will not win.
It’s 6 am and I am still awake.
I am still awake.

If this is how we treat our heroes…

I wanted to graze my finger tips across a surface roughed by bad intentions

Cut my teeth on twisted lips and indigestion

Was it just my imagination that this blue belonged on me

With a silver prong stylus in my hand, this the freedom I understand

The one that boys painted hues of black and blue while wearing green berets

My body is littered with there words. Their taunts of encouragements

Their disgusted repose

A hero really, for the lack of a better word

Who put such fitness into me I thought I would burn

But here they lie, with stained tongues and strained eyes

Having kissed the encouragement that came at a surprise

My color, my blood, spread quickly in the streets

Fingers one raised on intention now begging for release

Lips clenched in indignation now chewing on my teeth

These boys, so precious, forced to grow up

It is my imagination or did they forget how to trust?

A/N

Thank you dear readers for sticking around through these trying times. I know my angst has gone up a fee notches. So hopefully you can enjoy this one. I would love to see how people interpret it.

Much love from mine to yours

E – Evade

He took his time with me.

I do not remember screaming, but it must have been loud enough to wake what demons had been standing by. For when I opened my eyes next they had been sitting at my side with such pitiful looks. One gently laid his hand on my chest while alone started to cry. When he took away I could see blood from a wound I could no recall ever getting.

Carved into me so deeply

There may have been a moment when I tried to move, but I can not remember. Waking up in a room full of people who could not see. Their eyes sewed shut with broken pieces of red string. I only just begin to notice one sniffing the air when I begin to hear again.

Someone nearby is weeping

Carefully I extend a hand. Grasp for what left. What’s there. I do not think she has noticed me. So committed to her screaming. There are tears I wish I could expend but I fear the meaning would be lost to her. Poor lamb who got caught. Poor lamb who may never get up

D – Defend Me

Reckless sinner unhand me

speaking words as you bleed

did you not see the lies

or where you to busy averting you eyes

hiding away from gods grace

turning love to shame in his holy name

tactless sinner who dared to grieve

speaking words till you bleed

did you mean to unhand me

or where you to busy down on your knees

begging a god who has left unseen

soaking in such terrible dreams

thoughtless sinner who left me free

drowning in words that surely bleed

you weren’t meant to do these deeds

yet you lie there in a broken heap

revenge for a god who can never be

C – Control Me

That’s OK Kiss me kindly

bind me to the page

bring about the rage

that OK just kill me

neatly with no grace

I was made to expend

I was made to defend

Kiss me when the beat drops

Take apart, my heart stops

I was made in demand

I was made with you in hand

destroy my body cause you able

Suspended above the table

My blood is what you crave

So make it last for days

Kill me blindly with no grace

I was made for this disgrace

B – Break Me

He has his hand on my thigh

A fistful of regret tightly clenched in each touch

He speaks to me, not wanting me

but desire slickers in blank spaces

Where her face was once seen erases

He doesn’t want me but I am the next best thing

Alone and awake with such sensitive taste

I do not think he has noticed that I feel the same

Slinking desire for a man I can’t see

Holding my thighs together while whispering “forgive me”

A Brown Girl with a White Man’s Name

“Negative” I wonder outloud to a foreign crowd of my forgotten brethren
They speak some vows and turn my way
Noticing the privilege I proclaim
The twist of my hips
The turn of my lips
The graceless way I speak out of turn
I know that I am not one of them
With my too brown skin and my too black hair
Kinked up readily to face the wind
“Negative” I proclaim with a sneer
For deep down inside
I know that I am not welcomed here
But I hide it with a haughty stance
One hand on my lip and the other on my chest
My blood was never going to be enough
My twisted tongue can’t speak those vows
Spoken outloud by a foreign crowd
But I am going to go on pretending
That my black will matter here