I remain disinterested in games. The long term commitment of staying the same no matter the situation. I am afraid of change. Yet, I rather put up with it in the hopes that it will be worth it. I risk nothing by sitting here. 6 am and still ashamed, I gained nothing by huddling under the cover.
Escaping the cold that I could easily end. Thinking of you. Wishing for you. Steadily hating myself because I can help but dream of you. 6 am and I refuse to sleep. I refuse to see your face as I dream. It is a game really. To see how long I will pass. 6 am and I am still here. Eyes wide open and mind full of so many fears. I am so very tired but I refuse to give in. I refuse to play along to a game I know I will not win. It’s 6 am and I am still awake. I am still awake.
Stories of love are intimidating because they are a constant reminder of what I do not have, what I am afraid to strive for.
I absolutely do not want anything to do with love.
But what is love?
What drives some to want it and makes others despise it?
It is a weakness or a strength?
Honestly, there is no clear answer to these questions.
Love is subjective and prompted to change from one person to the next. There are times when it can give someone the power to overcome all adversary. Yet it also has the power to turns one insane.
Is it safe to assume that it is a neutral feeling considering all that it can do?
This I do not know.
But what I do know is that I do not want it. I do not want to risk my heart in the hands of someone else. I do not think I could handle if it went the way I always it to. While I know that love may surprise me I am just not sure. Maybe this makes me weak but at least I will be weak on my own terms.