I was told

I was told a story about something painful. As if death is anything but.

There are times when hearing about a person dying does nothing for me. I have watched gory videos and laughed over creepypasta post while drinking my herbal tea. I have sliced my wrist and burned sins into my skin in hopes that it would all go away. Honestly, death is nothing but a friend.

Yet, there are times when I find myself crying over it. I do not understand how my greater craving can be my nightmare. Death astounds me with its grace and yet, here I am suffering.

A loved one has passed away and I do not know what to do. I do not know how to feel….

I am just numb to it all.

But everything I write suggest otherwise. I cant concentrate on school cause I begin to think about him. I begin to miss a man I haven’t seen in years. A man broken by a war I wasn’t alive to witness. So much so little kids had to stay silent in his presence. I miss him and I do not know why. He was the kindest man but I can’t remember a damn thing he did. I barely remember his voice and yet I miss him.

I regret the fact that no one trusted me enough to love him.

Because I can’t say I love a person I wasn’t given a chance to know. I hate myself for never reaching out. But how could I when every sound I made took him right back to the battle field.

I miss him all the same.

Listen and repeat

I want to show you that I love you

Is there a way in which I can do this?

One day I got sick. Nothing to bad but bad enough to were I couldn’t get out of bed without experiencing some pain. Being a single parent, an illness like this can be hard to deal with.

My child understood I was sick but not why every time I moved I suddenly wanted to cry or why I sat on the couch most of the day.

She always plays even when she is sick and wanted me to do the same. So I had to work through my pain and be there for her. Even when I just wanted to lay down and sleep. I still made all of her meals, watched tv, and played games with her.

I wanted to give up and sleep so bad though. At one point I actually did fall asleep. My daughter stayed by my side the whole time playing on my phone.

I felt like such a monster when I woke up. How could I fall asleep while my child was awake???

But what could I do?

I had no one who could watch her. The last time I went to the hospital over an illness they called CPS cause I didn’t have anyone to watch her while I went to the emergency room and was potentially admitted. So that was out of the question.

Basically I was forced to parent through my illness (which was food poisoning by the way my. My daughter didn’t get it cause she doesn’t eat meat and I was experimenting)

I think most parents, even many single parents, do not think about stuff like this.

How they will go about things sick and without help.

I once knew of a family where both mother and child were wheelchair bound. Do people understand how difficult that is?

Not many.

We take things for granted all the while judging others for not being just like us.

Sitting in the battle field

Grabbed the man I tried to kill

Looked in the eye and questioned why

Why must we go through life

With blinders in our eyes

Looking forward in days on end

Thinking naught of those who stand

Beside us as we crawl on by

Judge them harshly for choices unknown

As though we do have to make our own

Standing on the battle field

Clutching the hand of the man I tried to kill

Asking God for the reason why

Taking this life was seen as right

What made him beneath me

What made it so we can’t see

Those who stand Beside as

As we crawl through people we can’t see

Bloody hands are grasping me

Eyes clenched but begging me

What gives us the right to what life

Is worth less then another’s

We go through life breathing

Deceiving those who stand close by

Ignoring them with all out might

But judging them if they come within sight

Walking across the battle field

I can no longer feel a thing

Absolutely 

‘Show me how to be whole again’

     –   Linkin Park- Castle of Glass

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can still feel the world falling around me. The screaming of my friends as they are gunned down by the enemy. The enemy I am still unable to see.

I will be leaving behind a memory if I die but that thought isn’t very comforting. People I love will never forget me, but that doesn’t make death any easier to bear.

Is giving up really a bad thing? Is cowering away beneath some rocks truly evil? Others will say but I am afraid to die. I am afriad to give my life to this meaningless cause. I can taste their fear.

My friends bodies surround me as the enemy draws near. The enemy I can’t help but understand.

Does it make a monster to regret it all?

I have loved ones who need me so how can I leave. Does it make me a coward to destest the idea of going? 

I give up though…take me away. I guess I will find all the answers at heavens gate. 

Brightly

Focus on me,look in to my eyes.

 Don’t pay attention to those other guys. 

Don’t listen to thier lies just focus on my eyes.

Ignore the pain, the hurt,  regret.

Forget it all!

Don’t worry about the past!

Please Don’t 

This won’t last

It’s  a second and soon it will be gone

Focus on my eyes, listen to my song

Please hear me….

I won’t let you die alone.

In the heat of battles lives are lost. Some taken by the blade of enemies,  others from accidental means. 

Death isn’t a game though. Sometimes you must lie to the person you care about just so they may rest in peace.  You carry on remembering them. Don’t let their sacrifice be in vain. When loosing someone, especially someone who loves you, you must live. You make forget the troubles of the past and live for today. Ignore those trying to stab you in the back. Leave them behind. Leave them to suffer their own fate. Walk with your head high and let your tears flow. It isn’t weak to cry. What is weak is holding in your emotions because you think it will get you through things. Go ahead and think upon them with sadness and happiness. Love them but leave your troubles in the past. Remember them but only for awhile. Because through you, they will never fade from this world. 

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Picture description

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Compassion on the battlefield for a friend. This photo of one GI comforting another was taken during the Korean War, and published by Life in 1950

U.S. Infantryman Weeps on Shoulder of GI in Korea, After His Friend is KIA, While Corpsman Fills Out Casualty Tags, August 28, 1950