In sickness and in health

Warning :self harm, suicidal ideation, bulimia, anorexia, mental disorders.

I got sick today. Like really sick.

And I know what you are thinking, why the hell did I just tell you about my five min date with the butt throne.

Well my dear people I am telling you this because it made me feel good.

Yes as I sat there puking my guts out all I could think of was

‘This isn’t so bad at all. A few months of this and I can finally be pretty’

Even know I sit here trying to make more come up because I want to lose this weight. I want to be skinny because to me that equals beauty. Now I do not hold this standard to everyone. People can be beautiful no matter what their size may be but I can’t. I will never be beautiful. I will never be someone who people want to give seconds looks. I am barely someone they want to see at the corner of their eye.

Not to say I believe me to be disgusting but I do find myself to be distasteful…borderline disgusting.

I hate myself so much that for a mins while getting sick I wanted to keep doing it. I wanted it all to go away. I kept thinking about all the disgusting foods I can shove down my throat just to have a reason to puke.

So I can be skinny

So I can be beautiful.

I will like to make a point to say that I also have the flu or a cold..whatever sickness this is I have it.

So I did not set out for today to puke up my delicious chicken tortilla soup with extra sour cream combined with a to die foe root beer float. I would have actually liked to have been able to digest that, thank you very much.

But once it happened, I felt relief. I felt alive.

This reminded me of something though. It reminded me of my addiction to cutting.

Both of these cause me great pain but in the end they bring me the greatest pleasure.

Through the pain I know that I am alive. I feel powerful. I feel beautiful. I feel as though I can finally see the light. Do you know how addicting it can be to have all that when your normal is constant darkness and paranoia. To finally have some clarity.

I can see the colors!

All the pretty pretty colors.

Sadly,

I know how destructive this can be. I know what it looks like for someone to starve themselves to lose weight. I know what it looks like for someone to accidently kill themselves.

I know the end result of my addiction.

So I don’t follow through with my temptations. No matter how much my mind tells me that I need to.

Instead I wait with anticipation for the next I cut or burn my skin by accident. I await that moment when I can spend hours in the bathroom due to some illness.

I no longer inflict these wounds on myself.

Instead I wait for someone else to do it for me.

All praise mother Gaia and karma.

May they serve me the pain I need to stay alive.

Dear Noah, it’s me… Jessi

   To say that I love reading is an understatement.  No reading is life. It’s something that brings me joy; allowing me to escape to lands I can only see in my dreams.

      Today a book was released that I think will give me the best of dreams. It will make me view reality with new eyes. Allowing me to be anyone or anything I want. A fair maiden, a quick pirate, a shy werewolves, an elusive spirit. I have the power to change lives for the best…or for the worst if need be. 

I have a power thanks to others. A power to create worlds through their words. Someday I may even be able to help someone else in this way. 

 
    The story I am going to read is by a man named Noah Harris. He is a passionate independent author who makes the most interesting stories. He is also someone who I have had the pleasure of being acquainted with. His personality sweet and spicy just like his writing style. Many of his books hold a special place in my heart because of how original they are. Like all romance writer, he has his cliches, but he does his best. 

  My favorite being his HvZ series. Yes it’s one of those meet and fuck novels but what makes it different is that it’s sports related. Now I know what you are thinking, sports isn’t all that new, but here’s the kicker. It’s a sport that is mainly played in college and it the equivalent of freeze tag. Sounds boring until you throw zombies in the mix. Not real zombies of course but pretend. It’s a game I remember being wildly popular while I was in school. It has a supernatural element but it is isnt overbearing. Which is funny since the book is about some werewolves. Wolves in college playing zombie tag lol. 

It brought a smile to my face because I remembered something so fun. His stories are wonderful because he brings so much of himself to the table. 

  Not to say he is the best I ever read, but he is pretty close when it comes to m/m. Oh yes he writes m/m books and I love them. 

I have a deep love for books of all flavors. 

  His newest book is one i haven’t read but I am proud of because of the subject manner. 

Looking through Amazon and the libraries, I found that there are not many books about those who are transgender, especially when looking for something dealing with the supernatural. 

I am happy that he has decided to write something like this. It can be risky because it is easy to offend people. Not just those who are transgender but those who are not as well. Those who may not agree with them could be offended. A writer could lose fans even those who do read m/m books. So much could go wrong with it but it is a wonderful risk to take. Not only thay but this is his first full length book!!

 So subject matter aside I am excited as all get out. 

Once I get done I will write a review on it. I hope to have this be the first of many.