CW
This is not a poem but instead the ramblings of someone who has had enough. I remember once in high school, I was sitting at my desk when a girl turned to me. She had the most disgusted yet curious look upon her face. I had never really spoken to her before outside of a few hellos and “Here pass this up”, but today she decided to hold a conversation. 

Apparently I reminded her of the type of person that was capable of killing people. It was due to the people I hung out with and the fact that I always looked sad. She then told me that if I had plans to shoot up the school that she rather I not kill her and try to clean up after myself. Basically to shoot people but remember to kill myself afterwards.  She then turned to her friend who in turn stated asked me why I waited, that I should just skip the dramatics and kill myself when I got home. That way they didn’t have to deal with me anymore. 

It was always funny how one was telling to hurt people and then myself yet the other was just like ‘Don’t hurt people we prefer you just off yourself’.

It hurt, of course, it hurt bad. I had never spoken to these girls before and after that moment they proceeded to make my life hell for a few months. 

I had a certain ‘look’ to them and yet they still bullied me. 

I did not harm anyone in that school. Until that moment, I had zero plans to. After awhile I begin to hate people and truly wish I had the balls to destory everyone. 

I love how everyone says that it gets better once school is over. That those four years won’t matter when you are an adult. You will look back on that life and be proud of what you have overcome. The pain you endured that made you stronger. 

That is a fucking lie and we all know it. To some high school was the golden years. To others it was a constant reminder of just how much of a failure they are. Some people raise up and become better while some are still treated like shit. I am one of those that is still treated like shit. One of the kids who had the ‘look’ and still amounted to nothing as they aged. 

Friends are better made online. People are never to be trusted. I may not have destroyed my school or killed myself as they suggested that day. But each day I live is only a punishment for myself. They moved on to better things. A good college and career. Some are even marrued with beautiful children in a wonderful home they own. Some died but are remembered as these amazing people. I am sure that at least one person struggles but they don’t show it. No, they show how good they have it. 

I am the type to feed off of their painand suffering. When their facade melts away I am the one person there to view it. There pain brings me pleasure. Yet I still suffer alone. Every day I continue to live a life I want to end. I always made up some sort of excuse to stay alive.

Currently I only have one and even that is starting to get old. My few pleasures in life are just sitting and watching others crash and burn. 

To be honest…I wonder what would have happened had I taken her suggestion. Had I blown that school to shit with everyone in it. Would it have made life easier? If I wasn’t caught I bet it would have. If I had instead decided to kill myself as well. Taken everyone out with me. Or what if I had just sat there in my home alone and finally slit my wrist. Maybe took a pill  jumped off a bridge. I thought about going some place exotic and getting lost or going on a boat and jumping off in deep water. Watch as people frantically tired to get me out. Slitting my wrist sounds good but lacks the same flair. Unless I was able to watch through the haze as my father stood over me in shock. I would love to see him show the world just how much he hates me one day. 

My whole life is a mistake and  I am forced to live it. I want to die but can’t. Just stuck in this eternal high school mentality that I will never amount to anything and nothing in life is proving different. 

There are times where I wish I could have been a school shooter. Maybe everything would have turned out ok.