Tag Archives: Rant

Listen

Posted by Zeannaroux on

   Today I had a conversation with someone about parenting.  Now normally these end on a pretty positive note despite some arguments in the middle. Yet this time I was left with a horrible taste in my mouth. I felt so very dirty after talking to them.

     They told me how once they became a parent they would not allow their children to have any toys or watch TV. They would monitor the  friends they made and their lives will be filled with nothing but learning. Even from the womb they would be teaching them a new language.

      Now all that isn’t all that bad. All parents do a variation of this. What made me feel ill is how they would go about doing this. How the child would not be allowed to talk to others outside of the family. How they had no choice in this and werent not allowed to play. First they said no tv but that they could play old school games. When I mentioned that games where TV time pretty much, they changed it to that the child can watch TV but not much. They would only get movies and the child would not allowed to read anything that wasn’t educational.

If the child did not like this then the childs only option was to move out. They had to obey all rules or would be forced to go to the nearest mental ward for a bit…no matter the age. So if their 4-year-old was giving them problems they would call the comes and have them admitted.

I listened to this for as long as I could handle before I couldn’t take anymore. They said that they lived a life such as this and grew up fine but when talking about their parents you could tell they hated them. They treated the parents like shit and gleefully explained how they should no longer be allowed do certain things. Like be on social media or even talk to them. They said they loved their parents a lot.

They said that they turned out fine but they are homeless and they have a sibling who is in jail…yet both turned out fine from their own choices. Despite having a life they said guarantees them success in life.

I urged them to read a parenting book but they explained that they would make the perfect parent. I highly doubt that…

There is nothing wrong with being a someone strict parent but being both strict and a helicopter parent won’t help a thing.

This life of this hypothetical child sounded horrible. I felt like crying because I couldn’t image this sort of suffering. To not be able to have friends and enjoy life. They wouldn’t even be allowed outside cause they had studies to do. Sure they may have a good adult life but what about their childhood. Being smart is something we all strive for but that won’t bring us happiness. Sure having a crap ton of money, doing well in school, having various skills is nice, but what about life?
What is the point of living when you are alone?

This person seemed almost proud of how things are and I hate them for it. I know I am judging their life. I have my own issues. My life wasn’t perfect at all. I had the strict parent and I had the one who wasn’t there. I had the parent who tried to be my best friend and I had the parent who wanted me to worship the air they breathe. The ones who say they are always right no matter what and the ones who admitted perpetual defeat.
I was raised with it all and I did not turn out fine. I was spanked as a child and hate the ones who did it. I plotted their deaths for quite some time. Wasn’t till I was an adult that I realized that they came out of the experience able to sleep at night, and I was the only one who hated myself for it.

As a parent I see myself as more Permissive/ authoritative style. I give in a lot of the time. I want my daughter to have her own mind and at times forget that I have one. I have a hard time staying structured. I am pretty spontaneous as a parent which can be good and bad. I love talking to my daughter about how she is feeling. Is she gets into trouble we talk it through. Sometimes I just randomly ask her how she feels. It makes me happy cause there are times she will do the same for me. Praise is often given for no real reason in my home. I can be distant when I go through a bout of depression and I really hate playing pretend. But I make up for it by singing with her and reading her books whenever I can. We play dress up and paint our nails.

I do not expect much from her. I just got to the point where she has to pick up her own toys but I do not push a lot of issues. As long as she does her best I am happy.

This can make it seem as though I see her as a friend and I guess there are times I do. My daughter is the only person I talk to. I can go months without speaking to anyone who isn’t paid to be around me (Therapists, Doctors,etc). I sometimes forget what it feels like to talk to an actual adult. Now I go about a week without speaking to friends but it still takes a toll on my parenting. I am a single mom and it is hard for me to get to know people. I came from a pretty chaotic background. She is all I have really. It takes looking through articles such as this for me to realize how what I am doing affects her development.

I still have structure. She get rewarded or disciplined for bad behaviour. I no longer allow her to do what she wants but I am not yet where I want to be as a parent.

Still when this person told me about their plans it sickened me. It sounded like a prison.  I know I am probably judging them harshly but I couldn’t take it. Once they left a weight was lifted from me. Their  very presence was causing me to go insane.

This may not make any sense to many. It may even seem a bit silly to get upset over something like this. Something so small as talking about a child who isn’t here. Looking back at it all I probably over reacted but I won’t say a thing to them. I no longer trust them and want nothing to do with them. In my eyes they are monsters. How could they do this? How could they treat a child so? I have a feeling that is silly but my hurt and anger won’t go away.

I hate this…

L

Professional Loner

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Getting rid of

Unfriending

No longer dealing with a negative person.

A simple story of how lies can destroy a person. Ignoring others and lying to get your way is not nice. It is especially bad to do to a friend. So much can go wrong with a little lie, even if it to save your own skin. Never ever pin mistakes unto others.

I do struggle with something like this. I get angry and take it out on others. Such as when something is bothering me I may yell at people who don’t even know whats going on. Or even I may give the silent treatment to a person who is only trying to help. It is a flaw of mine but the one thing I do not do to others and that is lie. To clarify,  everyone lies, no one tells the truth all the time. That doesn’t mean a person likes it. Now when I lie there are times I don’t know it is happening. Someone could ask me about the weather and I will tell them it is raining when it is sunny outside. Usually this is to people who can not confirm it such as those who live out of the country. The lie doesn’t get me anywhere and after it is said I have this inner conversation where I question why I did that. So, I don’t lie intentionally I should say…

Especially to a friend!

Today someone lied to me. Now this wasn’t a full face lie cause it held some truths.  No this was one of those where the person warped the events a bit. They searched for a problem and blew it out of proportion convincing themselves that I had lied. Now, I have BPD, and am the poster child for ruining a good thing for no clear reason other than I can handle the idea of something going right. Even with that I still admit to my faults.

If I fucked up I will say I fucked up no matter how hard it hurts. The key is to catch me fucking up. If I am getting a good grade in school, and someones praises me, I may unintentionally fail the next few test. Didn’t mean to but it got to nice. Too….everything I guess. I do this a lot and that is my BPD.

Still catch me in the act and point it out and I will admit to it (once I fully realize it of course)

So when this person accused me of doing something I didn’t I was surprised. I didn’t do anything to ruin the day and tried to make sure everything ran smoothly. Yet in the end I was left behind and hated. I was judged for things I had no part in. My words where twisted and used against me to justify their beliefs on what had and should have happened. It didn’t matter that I tried to work through the problem (thank you therapy!) No, all my attempts to rectify what happened was ignored. Ignored because they only wanted things to go their way or no way. So I lost a friend over something so stupid. I took the blame for things I did but was still ignored and accused of committing friendecide. I lead it to being killed even though it was the other way around. It was a new feeling to me and I don’t know how to process it.

I thought writing a bit would help. I am not sure it will and what follows doesn’t really make any sense. But I am trying…I guess.

So to the loss of a friend and the discovery of a new path in life.

I guess I was just meant to be a loner. Wonder if I could make a job out of it …yeppers. Professional Loner reporting for duty.

      Blackened skin covered bone sitting by the altar. A sight which all wishes would disappear as heavy hearts clamour near. Everyone is wanting for something, though the general census is that they don’t know what they want. They just want and want and want. Willing to ignore this painful sight. Willing to pretend that it is alright.

They will sprew lies as they see fit. It helps them sleep at night.

Blackened skin covered bone, weeping by the altar. It is ignored by those who clamour because they deem it unfit to be. Lies sprew forth as they seek. Trying, fighting, for their own dreams.

      Nothing wrong with caring for oneself as long as you don’t forget everyone else. Never ignore the blackened bone cause one day it could be your very own.

Excuse me whilst I rant

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I had a really really bad episode that lasted a few days. Maybe even a week, I am not to sure. So I decided to send some links to someone to help them understand me better. Well that was idea until I ran across this lovely article that…well…it pissed me the freak off.
This site is, Mental Health America, said a few things that set me off a bit.

See it started off extremely insulting

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder can be summarized as instability in mood, thinking, behavior, personal relations, and self-image. Individuals with the disorder may:

demand constant attention and make unreasonable demandsavoid being alone by acting out a crisis or dramatizing a problem

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha no.
See I am an adult and what they are describing is the toddler nect to me who is currently upset and crying because she didn’t get to eat more then one gummy vitamin. 
Not an adult who struggles with reality and sometimes does or says things to correct said reality. Who feels way to much or not at all. Who is afraid of being alone even if they person they want most is just in the next room. They are not some clingy girlfriend that demands you log your whereabouts every tens minutes.  They are people who constantly worry about you every tens minutes though. Who have to fight the urge to check up on you every few hours, because if they do, they feel like they are bugging you.
They are not some child lying their way unto mommies good side ( No she isn’t getting any more vitamins, I refuse to clean that blowout if I was to give her more)
It is someone who tries their hardest to please someone because they are afraid of them leaving. They are afraid that their true self, what ever that is, will not be enough for someone. So they hide. They create a different version of themselves. They hide in the shadows for so long that it becomes reality.
Not everyone does that though, lie that is, some are capable of expressing how they feel. Those feelings tend to be high though. What feels like a papercut is not an arm being chopped off.

Despite that my all time favorite is this

histrionic personality – self-dramatizing, self-indulgent, demanding, excitable, vain
narcissistic personality – intolerant of criticism, self-important, lacking in empathy, envious, constantly demanding special favors
antisocial personality- callous, reckless, impulsive, irritable, deceitful, and emotionally shallow.

Your basic psycho right!???

So this person who wrote this is basically making BPD put to be this horrible thing and that people who have it are the lowest of the low.
Which is strange because although our emotions are an extreme high many of us are way way empathic.  Which means we feel for others way to much and out them before ourselves. I won’t even eat unless my daughter has had at least two meals. Yes I starve myself till dinner so that I know my daughter really does have enough to eat.
Envious? I want a dog really bad. I got jealous at a couple next door because they can have one and I can’t.  Hell yea I cry but I talked to someone else who doesn’t have BPD. Guess what she did for years cause she couldn’t have a dog. She cried about it from time to time. We love animals. Guess that makes me not only envious but vain because I compared myself to her.
This pisses me off and just goes to prove just how much things need to change. How much BPD needs to have more recognizition. But don’t take my word for it. I am deceitful, remember?

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