Tomorrow

Today I do not really feel good. My depression is getting to me. I can not leave my house unless someone actually makes me leave. I can’t say no to invite no matter how much I want to.

I sit and struggle to stay awake. Sleeping forever seems like such a good idea right now.

I get so frustrated….so angry with just about everything.

My daughter was singing today and it felt as though she was scrapping her nails against a chalkboard. Not to say she couldn’t sing but the sound. The fact that she was happy and singing made me so mad. I had to leave the room. I apologized for telling her to stop. No! Not telling, I freaking yelled for her to stop.

She got so upset so I apologized, but the anger was still there.

I had to leave the room for a bit. I didn’t go back for maybe 30 mins or more. Just hid in my room and cried.

I am doing this all on my own. I have friends but I can’t feel it. Like there is a void that is stopping me from accepting the fact that people…Care

It hurts. I know that it is there and it hurts. I hate myself for feeling this way, but who can I talk to? I feel as though I am being judged all the time. So who can I talk to? Who can really help me understand that things are not what they seem.

My?

Maybe…

Honestly I am just going through the motions.

Wading through this until it ends. That is all I can do. So I do it.

I am ever grateful for the people who put up with me regardless.

Cut and Burn

It burns inside.

The urge to do some harm to a vital part of me.

All the while screaming for some form of release.

‘Someone fucking save me from this hell.’

Yet I know no one will.

I am all alone with a dull blade.

Ready to cut but can’t seem to figure out where.

I want it to hurt

I need it to hurt

I can feel it before I start to slice.

Take awhile to get things right.

Decided to just push with all my might

Since I made them hide the good knives.

Tiles floors splattered red

Favorite place cause the walls always stare

I like to think that this is the only room that care

It burns inside of me now

The urge to cut till I am there

Holding a dull blade against my vitals

Screaming for some release

‘You had your chance to fucking save me’

Though I know no one is there

A cut that is quickly fading

The door tells me what a good girl I am

Faded

Quickly now
Bow your heard
Always pray before you go to bed
Remember that, God loves you
He will never leave
God is watching over you
Even when you dream

But what if your dreams, are not how they were foretold to be
What if they are filled with disgusting imagery?

Every night, I lost my soul
Watched it go
In my head
Sleeping was hell
I burned inside
Begged to be killed
Cause behind my eyes, as I dreamed, I watched my child being taken from me.

Each day she faded
Each day she died
When I woke up
Her cries where a lie
“This isn’t my child”
“She died before taking a breathe”
“This isn’t my child, but…”

Everyday I give birth anew.
Forced to remember a child I was eventually going to lose.
Protect her from my dreams I hold her away from me.

Made a plan…
Checked it twice..
Thrice…
Again

Again

I had a plan.

But…
I couldn’t never follow through with it.
Each day remembered the child I bore.
Had to learn to love her once more
Cause when I dreamed
Reality twisted and joined with terrors.
I dreamed that I had lost her forever.

“This isn’t my child”
“She never was…but my heart..it aches…please help me”