I often ask myself silly questions I would not dare bring up to anyone else.
Thing that make me blush or smile. Things that make me cry awhile.
I ask myself these things because they help me feel alive.
For awhile I have the will to survive.
What kind of future will she have?
Will I be there or will I be dead?
How can I make her happy?
How will she feel if I hold her on my lap, even when she is 20?
I ask myself because I can.
I ask myself so that I may continue till the end.
As a child nothing mattered
But the warmth of my mother’s hold
As I grew I begin to go
Abandoned by the mother I did not truly know
I still loved her
I still do
Still love the mother I never knew
The one who held me
Who kept me warm
Who fault the demons
When I could fight no more
Who told me stories to get me through the storms
Whose ghost stores rivaled the best story-teller
I love this mother
The one from the past
The mother without a care
The one who made me pancakes filled with wishes
The mother who made dreams come true
When dreaming was a luxury
The mother I did not know
The mother, who , deep inside
Didn’t even know her own soul
I am not someone who gives in easily.
I think to much so it takes awhile for me to decide the correct path. I have to reaserch. Find out what option is best for me and only then can I make a move.
Yet when it comes to dying I never really put too much effort into staying alive. I had always felt like dying was the best option. Was the only path I could take that would bring me closer to peace.
It wasn’t till recently that it all changed. That I realized that although my life can be utter shit that I had a purpose. That I was meant to be here even if I was to blind to see that reason.
I am a mom of a beautiful little girl. She wouldn’t be here if I died. I work with animals and while someone else could do this job I know that they love me. That these animals are happy being around me just as much as my baby girl is.
I still want to die sometimes. I still look forward to that eternal sleep but I have a reason to go on now.
I have someone watching me. I have someone who hold me in their arms and tells me they love me every chance they get. Who ask for hugs and kisses. Who makes up excuses to sit in my lap. I have a daughter. I have a job..I have a purpose.
I may not fully understand the meaning of heaven..but right now..I see heaven in her eyes.
My sunshine who makes even the darkest tameable.
Nocha Daisey age 5 months
NIGHTMARE FANTASY 