E is for Enough

I give up!

I fucking give up on everything.

Of course I am not enough. I didn’t get to say goodbye. You didn’t even give me a chance. You refuse to let me see you as you lay dying in your hospital bed.

You said I was like a granddaughter to you yet you wouldn’t see me at the end. Told the world that you cared. I am sure that is not what you meant. You were ashamed of me weren’t you?

You truly hated me! How could I have believed… You LIED to me. To my little girl. To her you were her world. She looked up to you.

I did too.

Now you are gone

What the fuck am I suppose to do??

Who will be proud of me now?

Who will tell me it is ok?

Who will sit there and just let me vent, every freaking day. Why did you leave?

You were suppose ro be around forever. You promise to see me do better…

But you left me…

You left me alone

And not even a week later he followed you too.

You were family.

I was suppose to make you both proud.

Just

I promise to better

Please come back home.

I will go to church every Sunday. I won’t question a thing. I will be a better mother. I will smile on command. I will get a job and go to school. I will do it all and more.

Just please please call me so I can walk out that door and see you.

Please let me make you proud.

I know you are gone now

I just handle it right now.

Fevered whispers

Whistle me a lullaby so I may go to sleep

Standing at the alter now, please momma don’t weep

I never meant to say goodbye for long but that is how it is going to be

Taken out by a light I didn’t try to keep

Forgive me momma

All will be ok

Take my body and prove to them

That light won’t win today
Whistle me a lullaby

Though I can’t hear no more

Standing at the alter

Watching forever more

F

Megan

I had someone I loved dearly. A person who had made me smile so much. All through high school I knew this person, but something changed. 

See people love to lie. Once high school end there is no magical reconnection. No one stays in touch. People move away. Go off to college and change. Either maturing are staying their loveable, but distant,  self.

That’s what happened. She matured as I stayed the same. It wasn’t like she stopped talking. No it is was me. I was sick and going through a lot. Homeless and desperate. I didn’t want people to see me like this. 

Still I loved seeing how people lived their lives. Even if we didn’t talk, social media had a way of forcing people to stay in touch. 

Time went past and I heard rumors. 

I didn’t believe them. Didn’t want to believe them. Even as I saw pictures….all I could die was hide and cry. 

I don’t know why I hated myself…I just did. I hated everything about myself. I needed to blame myself for those rumors.

Time passed more and I was forced to face reality. Was forced to realize that my friend was gone. She died from cancer. 
Cancer took my beautiful friend and made her into an angel. 
Those rumors I tried so hard to ignore. The pictures of her hooked to tubes and getting sicker by the minute.  I thought that she would get better. That I would wake up. 

By the time I understood it was to late. To late to tell her I love her. 

To late to ask forgiveness for being so selfish. 

I was selfish to think of things that way. 
In high school we had a game. New freshman were adopted by older students. Taken under their wings and treated like one would treat their son or daughter. Some would even call that upper classmen their parent or uncle/aunt. It was a wonderful game we did.

It came back to bite me though. 
My beautiful friend faded away…my lovely baby girl. 

There is nothing I could do but I wish it had been me. She had a future..I was just some homeless teen without a life to look forward to. She was going to be something..be a someone. 

Instead cancer took her. She was my freshman..she was my junior..my sophomore…my senior…

She is my angel now and I would do anything to bring her back to be my friend again.