“Hey Kid…”
Yes
“Do you think you’ll be missed if you go through with this?”
Probably
“…So why do it?”
Because it is the only chance I get to win
Tag Archives: BPD
I am dust, if I trust
With a dash of fire light
And a mix of broken prose
I suppose, I am made
With bitter beat
And repetition
Standing at memories kitchen
Clutching a chest that will move
Hoving closer and closer to you
I am dust, if I trust
With a dash blue hued rust
And a mix of mistaken prose
I suppose, I am done
Because memories
Have been over come
Warrior duet
Blood, sweat and tears, and pride, though it lies. I still got it, a certificate too. Proof that I know a thousand and one ways to kill you. But I have pain, pills just can’t fix. A bullet wounded knee cap and previously broken ribs. But I have honor, and respect, and the ability to shop at places where they do not accept my check.
Blood, sweat and tears, and pride, though it hides. I still got it, proven by the medal clipped to my chest. Proof that I know how to hold a person down as they scream. But I have pills, that can keep the nightmares at bay. A fucked up mind a broken home, I didn’t know what to expect. But I’ve got honor, and respect, and the ability to stand at ease in the check out line with people glaring at my back.
The Queens Quest
These broken toys with a childs soul
Hidden in the painted garden
Red and white, central war.
Disguised as a game of chess.
I guess, that the future can be changed
With a hatter that is madder and slick
That a simple trick could bring about
A guillotine event worth talking about
A tiny goodbye
I never got the chance to know the stars. Those flickering scars that rob the sky. Bright blights that hindered my growth. I missed them. Though I promise I never would. Because she is not here to see them. For me, that is reason enough to get rid of them.
The ocean, I despise it. With every moment of the tide I die a little more inside. I rather it fade away. Or give me room to drown. Because I can not bare the sight, while she is no longer around.
These memories, they haunt me. I would rather forget. Because is not here to share in them. I see no reason to give in. To my brain hidden inclination, to remember a forgiving friend.
God is baking
Spices covers shimmering as the chef lingers over a half-baked sweet.
His body pose shows a master.
Something well versed in kitchens disaster.
He sprinkles confetti on top a cake and mixed batter in with well-done fate.
He is a master, this man who creates.
A chef in this kitchen.
In an unknown place
To orchestrate a murder
She spat poison in my drink
I watched her do it from where I sit
Yet I take a sip
And act surprised
I know what she tries to hide
I know the secrets that are inside
She spat poison in my cup
I saw it all, but it wasn’t enough
To keep me from talking a gulp
Holding my sides as my stomach erupts
Playing victim to a fate I conduct
Of course another update
I like to do random updates through the year so that people can get to know me. Which is probably neccessary considering I mainly write poetry on here. But ya know, I got to keep people on their toes I guess.
Whatever that means.
So here is another random update.
School has been hectic. I am doing surprisingly well this semester though I am also doing really had. 3 A+ and 2 F.
How did I accomplish this beautiful feat?
Well my therapist says depression. For some reason my happy chemicals are only present for the classes that I enjoy or ones where the professor makes the class interesting. Even if it is one I would normally dislike due to the subject or the nature of the course. I do well because the professor is responsive, as are my classmates. With courses I dislike or ones where the professor is…meanish, I do not do well in. It is almost as if I become drained of all energy when it comes down to doing the school work.
Like for instance. I am failing a course and asked a professor for help. His response was basically to tell me to do better. Like thank you my guy! Such enlightenment 🙃.
The other professor is for speech. For those of you who have been here for some time you probably know that I have social anxiety. To the point where I have been diagnosed with a minor form of Agoraphobia. Why minor I say? Because I can leave my house and talk to people if the reason I need to do so is for my kid. But I can not do those things for me.
So I order groceries online because grocery stores make me anxious and I go to the doctor only when things start looking like ginger ale ain’t cutting it no more. Even something as simple as taking out the trash is a hassle because there are people at there
Breathing people who can judge. They are CONSTANTLY staring and judging and bound to hurt me.
Fun times.
So, as per school rules, I told her about my accommodation and that I may struggle with this course. In top of that I asked for some suggestions.
Her response
OH, just give it a try
Ok just let me jump on that 🙃
Now, there is nothing wrong with this. I whole heartedly stand by the notion of trying something before deciding if you can do it or not. Here’s the stitch though, I did try. I try every day of my life to be normal enough to stand in front of a group of people and state my thoughts and feelings. There are days when I can barely look my therapist in the eyes because I assume that she will judge me and I can not bear if it she does. I…I do try but there are days when trying gets me nowhere. So unless she is willing to give me a few accommodations I will fail. And lo and behold…I am.
That aside, I am doing well I guess.
I moved. My daughter and I got a bigger apartment and she is loving it. We have a gated patio that is fairly large and she has big plans for it. Plans I am just to flabbergasted to say but I will give a hint, it involves a shit ton of chalk.
Blessings to you all!
Seasonal Poetry
Summer slips through autumn and the bones, kiss, reminisce the fallen leaves that shatter on impact. A fact that summer had chosen to ignore this year. To stuck on what spring dared bring to the table. Winter promises a reprise but refuses to speak to autumn. For reasons beyond my control the seasons keep speeding and making excuses not to stay. This year, while fast, brought forth to much change. The bones of the seasons are all that is left. Reminiscent of a time when better dreams where kept.
Just a child
I miss the mornings when I got to lay in bed with you.
The way your curled around me and grabbed so delicately at my hand
You do not know how afraid I was, that I would break you
I knew you weren’t fragile but I still saw you as unreal.
That by taking my eye of you, you would just disappear
I was afraid. Yet you loved to cuddle close
Would out your head near my chest and let out the biggest fuss if I moved
I was a weak and yet… to you…I was home
NIGHTMARE FANTASY 