Update

I recently decided to look up books relating to border personality disorder on goodreads. You know, just to get a feel of what was out there. I found a lot of stuff and not all of it encouraging. While there are many books about BPD I found many to be from people who are trying to villainfy it.

One book in particular called it a chaotic hell.

For this very reason I think I want to write my own book.

I am a mother with BPD. I am not perfect and make plenty of mistakes but my daughter is happy. She is full of smile and is the most loving person ever. Sure she gets into trouble as all four years olds do but I do not believe that her life is hell. Choatis yes but not hell.

Still, this does not mean that she will not grow up to hate me.

I can be unintentially cruel at times.

I can be ignorant.

I can spend hours alone in my room crying, yelling at her to get out when she tries to peek into my room.

I can be happy, too.

Endless days of us singing and laughing.

Times when my daughter has to remind me that it is passed her bedtime as I try to convince her to stay up for just “one more game”.

She is four but she has seen so much, to much, of this world.

I want to write a book that shows what BPD is for me. I want to write so that one day my daughter may come to understand even if she does grow up to hate me.

Many of the books are from people who left toxic relationships (friend,spouse,or family) and then turned around to talk a out the hell they went through. Others are from the words of people who were left by someone who died due to BPD and its systems. Very few are from those who suffer from it on a regular basis.

This excludes the medical ones of course.

I always said I would write a book after I have gotten 200 followers. I am getting so very close to that number.

I can only hope that I follow through this time.

The Tape: Unheard Lyrics Are The Loudest, Side A

I love the way you scream.  How your blood seeps into my skin. I truly hope that this moment never ends. Can you see how this may excite me? How this has been a dream come true? 

I bet you are scared aren’t you? Don’t lie now, I can see the fear in your eyes. Want me to tell you a story? About how I got I got these scars in my wrist? About how, for awhile, I couldn’t think past the bullet jn my head. I can tell it to you darling.  Let you see the true me. Just know though, I am telling you this cause you will never have the chance to tell anyone else. Cause I am going to kill you. Oh no don’t shake your head and cry more. You knew this was going to happen. You knew that this was result of your very own actions. 

Where to begin…

Oh yes…

See, my name is Hannah.

….to be continued…

I still like the petty poet thing

So working on my story thing is going ok. I haven’t really decided on a theme and am just writing random stuff. On a later date I will go through what I have and decided what to keep and what to use in a different book. 

I want to do a bunch of short stories but am thinking that combining it with some poems will help as well. Short of like an anthology but instead of other people writing it will just me. 

Like person who wrote ‘Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark’ mated with Shel Silverman and had a book baby. 

Or that one lady who wrote those poem stories but doesn’t piss people off cause she is obsessed with everyone getting unhappy endings even though we expected them to have one. Like seriously why would you end a book on a good note only for them to come back in a different book doing the same shit they were in the last book. Like do you want them to fail at life, cause that’s how you fail at life.

No in my stories happy endings are not to be expected. Unless you feel like death is a happy ending. In that case you will not be disappointed. Cause someone is dying, I can assure you of that. 
I have always felt a little bit of pitty for the bad guy in almost every book. So this will be a story of the bad guys getting their just desserts. Not all victems ate innocent you know. Not all  monsters are without a heart. 

…..

Maybe

We shall see how it goes

Update: I need to learn how to edit as I write. Or at least go over things…