Category Archives: Alphabet soul

for the A to Z blog challenge.

A-Absolution

Posted by Zeannaroux on

HEART

Stories of love are intimidating because they are a constant reminder of what I do not have, what I am afraid to strive for.

I absolutely do not want anything to do with love.

But what is love?

What drives some to want it and makes others despise it?

It is a weakness or a strength?

Honestly, there is no clear answer to these questions.

Love is subjective and prompted to change from one person to the next. There are times when it can give someone the power to overcome all adversary. Yet it also has the power to turns one insane.

Is it safe to assume that it is a neutral feeling considering all that it can do?

This I do not know.

But what I do know is that I do not want it. I do not want to risk my heart in the hands of someone else. I do not think I could handle if it went the way I always it to. While I know that love may surprise me I am just not sure. Maybe this makes me weak but at least I will be weak on my own terms.

AtoZ2019A

Theme Reveal

Posted by Zeannaroux on

This year I will try to move away from my comfort zone. I tend to talk about some really depressing stuff so this years theme is Love.

Yep, you heard right.

I am going to focus in love and all the gooy lovely dovey I will never have ness that comes with it. No more depressing Jessi (unless the story calls for it) I am a whole new person this month.

What this means is that I will be both reviewing books and writing poems dealing with this topic. Some of the romance books won’t be just pure romance (I need that meaty plot) but I try to make it so every book I read main focus is on romance with other stuff more background. So bring on those devine sweat producing, hand fanning, hallelujah singing romance novels. I got my tea, my blanket, and my unicorn plushy ( property-of-daughter–with-extreme-caution-from-momma)

*Cue confused screaming*

And Scene

Updaters

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I did not post anything December which is kind of a first for me in a long time. I have tried blog something at least once every month for the past year or so. I am not really sure what happened since the holidays is not exactly a good enough excuse not to write. This has actually been one where I didn’t have a lot going on. I mainly sat home with my daughter so yea.

I have been trying a new style of writing but I am not exactly sure if I like it. Mainly because I have no idea if I can consider it a new style when I didn’t really have one in the first place XD. I have always been all over the place when it came to writing and I highly doubt that will ever change.

This sounds a bit stilted so I am going to end this here but I thank everyone who has been on this journey with me and wish you all a happy near year…days overdue I know…I am not really all that sorry.

Oh goodness this sounds horrible. I feel like I am typing literal trash. Not figurative trash but literal trash. I need to stop. Brain cells are dying.

Update

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I am in college now. I figured things would be easy but I forgot just how depression works. Every encouraging word is met with a voice telling me that I am fucking up. How do I explain to people that what they say is nice but mt brain won’t let me except it.

My professor flagged my profile and talked about what a wonderful job I was doing. But I couldn’t…I couldn’t accept it.

I feel like such a failure. I do not have anyone I can talk about this with. Not to say I haven’t tried but everyone has their own problems to work through.

I want to self harm like crazy but I can’t. I don’t want my daughter disappointed in me. The urge is getting louder. I do not know how much time I have before I just give in or blow up.

Pretty hurt

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I think about death a lot. I think about how beautiful it would be once it all ended. I am to weak to do what needs to be done though. So many conditions would need to met. I am so close though, so close to being free. I am already alone. I am a burden to everyone. My daughter needs a better mother. I am such a shitty friend.

I like hate. It aids in the process. One of these days I will be free.

I told my daughter I wanted to be a flower. They are fragile but powerful. I hope she will be ok when I am gone.

Just need that final push.

That one special thing to make it all ok.

My mind

Posted by Zeannaroux on

I wanted it to hurt, I know I deserve it, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I gave them a reason to hate me. I wanted to be left alone. I knew that if they stuck around it would be unbearable. So I did all I could to make them all go away.  I just didn’t figure out that this is how it would be.

 

I don’t like trusting people. It scares the shit out of me to trust someone. Once I do it is hard to stop and no matter what they do to me I can’t help but forgive them. There is a small glitch in this system though. Occasionally I am able to let them go. A So can cheat on me time and time again and I forgive them but they can do something such as lie about taking a drug and I am ready to break up never to think of them again. I will not cry and fight for them to stay. It is like my mind has to reach a certain point before it will allow me to give up. Friends can insult me and those I love but let them one day cancel a friends night and I suddenly have the ability to never speak to them again. I don’t know why this is or even when the glitch will happen I just know that it does.

It reminds me of glass breaking. Emotions are using contained behind a mirror of sorts. I understand that they are there but it is very muted. I feel them but almost as an after thought. There are days when I have to fake my way through what is going on, smiling when I feel no joy and crying when I feel no sorrow. I am not always sure how to respond to things but  I do my best.

Sadly my best is not always right. There are times when I do not understand that telling a joke is not the best thing to do in certain circumstances.  I get angry over little things when everyone else is having fun. I really don’t know what I am doing or what is going on till it is too late.

I don’t know

Posted by Zeannaroux on

There is a small part of me that wants this all to be over. A part of me that wants to stop fighting for excuses to live. But this part of me doesn’t stick around long. Like everything else in my life it tends to fade.

I just want it all to go away.

I is for In the blood

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Via Pinterest. Artist unknown.

In the Blood

By Zoha

There is something about the blood.

I don’t know what it is but I am drawn to it

The sight makes me happy

My heart beats faster in my chest

There is something about it

That makes it so I can’t rest

I love the smell

The feel

The taste

I love how it looks sliding down your shocked face

Nothing brings me more pleasure

Nothing can compare

Maybe that is the reason why

I ended up burning in hell

A/N In the Blood is my favorite phrase. So sorry if I use it a lot in my writing. You will survive.

E is for Enough. Part 2 of Grief ~Anger

Posted by Zeannaroux on

Pretty angel

Make me bleed

Do you hate the world

As much as you hate me?

Is that what made you leave

Why you didn’t say goodbye

Is that the reason

You took your own life

Did I make you suffer?

Cause you to much pain?

Is that the reason decided to leave that day

Did it hurt?

Did you cry?

How did it feel when you decided to die?

I bet you wanted me to feel so sad?

Was it all apart of you plan

I bet you wanted me to feel so alone?

Did you mean to be gone so long?

What made you decide that it was ok

To bloody yourself beyond repair?

Did you assume that I would care?

What was flowing through your mind?

Did you want the world to leave me behind?

What made you do it?

Was it truly me?

You are dead now

But are you really free?

A/N

As I have stated before, I am actually pretty suicidal. To help combat that I write poems written as though I have died. It helps me see reality so to speak.

I feel the need to explain this one a bit just because of how uncomfortable it can make people. This is part of my stages of grief stories but in this one the person who is dead is trying to figure out why they did it. When they ask themselves if they hate the world then they do themselves they are basically saying that instead of living and punishing the world they jusf decided to end themselves.

There are so many routes this person could have taken and they settled on the final one. I may habe to rewrite this cause I just yawned and confused myself.