I am not a good person but I am just that, a person. I have my flaws like everyone else. I have moments that make others believe I am insane. I am not a good parent but I try to be the best I can be. I am not the perfect daughter but I strive to make my mom proud of me.
It hurts to admit my faults to others. When society tries it’s hardest to make us reach for greatness, for perfection.
I want to do good. I want to better than this. I want the big house, the nice car, the wonderful attentive family, and to be mentally stable. I am not though. With my current state of mind, I will probably never be. And I hate it, I hate having to tell people how fucked up I am.
Hate it when they give me that haunted look of pity. It drives me insane!
Now people can tell me to keep my life to myself but I am not one to pretend. I am not the type to have people believe it is ok when it is not.
Now, that isn’t to say I am a complete downer. I have my moments just like everyone else.
It is just that I use no filter in my life. I try to be honest about it and that sometimes gets me judged.
That is I do not go around telling complete strangers my business. Just those I think will care.
Ok yes, this is me telling complete strangers but considering I rarely ever get any comments on my post it feels almost like I am talking to myself.
I can say what I feel and only occasionally will someone message me with kinds words or advice. I need the help but talking to myself will work just as well.
I cry a lot when I am alone.
Usually when my daughter is sleeping. I try to stay quiet so that I will not wake her but sometimes I fail. So I have tried alternatives to crying. Other ways in which I can get these horrible emotions out of my body. Writing helps but it only goes so far.
Still, I am trying. I cry so silently now that she doesn’t wake up at all. Sometimes I go check on her when I am sad. My tears often blurring my vision so I am forced to sit there and calm down.
I know that I am a terrible person. I know that I make all kinds of mistakes.
I am not a good mother
I am shit with every title I have
but I do try.