Goodbyes are never enough

It pleases me to see you suffer

That means my job is done

I pretend to be a good mother

Give you all I will ever be

Tell you stories

Hold you close

I hide my secret safe inside of me

It pleased me to see you suffer

Made you believe all was well

Told you such pretty lies

Cherished your little smile

And told you love will set you free

It was so fun to see you hopeful

Right before I had to leave

I hate myself so much. Way more than people deem possible. There are days when I look forward to dying. I walk down the street and become upset every time a car gets to close only to figure out they are going to close to the side walk. I think it would be a good way to go. Though there are times when I am afraid of the pain. When dying seems to right but the pain of it makes it so I get a little frightened. Not a day goes by when I don’t wish it though.

What is even stranger it that I am a mother. I love my child with every fiber of my being. Even when I am angry with her I do not regret her at all. She gives me life and here I am wanting to take it away. I want to die despite the gift I have been given. No, I want to die to save the gift I have been given. With me around she will suffer. Am I monster because I find happiness in that?

My child tells me all the time that she loves me and that I am a good momma. It makes me smile when she says that but I know it is a lie. I am a horrible person. A horrible momma. Yet I continue to let her believe this lie. She tells me I am important and that she never wants to leave my side. I always tell her that I will never leave her. It’s a lie…there will be a day when I will finally be free…but I can’t tell her that at all. She doesn’t know it yet but she will suffer because of me. She will see just how disgusting I am.

But I am afraid when I think of it. I want to do it for her. I want to free her from me but I can’t.

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