I wanted it to hurt, I know I deserve it, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I gave them a reason to hate me. I wanted to be left alone. I knew that if they stuck around it would be unbearable. So I did all I could to make them all go away. I just didn’t figure out that this is how it would be.
I don’t like trusting people. It scares the shit out of me to trust someone. Once I do it is hard to stop and no matter what they do to me I can’t help but forgive them. There is a small glitch in this system though. Occasionally I am able to let them go. A So can cheat on me time and time again and I forgive them but they can do something such as lie about taking a drug and I am ready to break up never to think of them again. I will not cry and fight for them to stay. It is like my mind has to reach a certain point before it will allow me to give up. Friends can insult me and those I love but let them one day cancel a friends night and I suddenly have the ability to never speak to them again. I don’t know why this is or even when the glitch will happen I just know that it does.
It reminds me of glass breaking. Emotions are using contained behind a mirror of sorts. I understand that they are there but it is very muted. I feel them but almost as an after thought. There are days when I have to fake my way through what is going on, smiling when I feel no joy and crying when I feel no sorrow. I am not always sure how to respond to things but I do my best.
Sadly my best is not always right. There are times when I do not understand that telling a joke is not the best thing to do in certain circumstances. I get angry over little things when everyone else is having fun. I really don’t know what I am doing or what is going on till it is too late.
Emotions are complicated because of the energies we are bombarded with daily. Try to find ways to shield like imagining you are in a bubble of pink light or another color you find supportive.