I wanted it to hurt, I know I deserve it, but I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I gave them a reason to hate me. I wanted to be left alone. I knew that if they stuck around it would be unbearable. So I did all I could to make them all go away. I just didn’t figure out that this is how it would be.
I don’t like trusting people. It scares the shit out of me to trust someone. Once I do it is hard to stop and no matter what they do to me I can’t help but forgive them. There is a small glitch in this system though. Occasionally I am able to let them go. A So can cheat on me time and time again and I forgive them but they can do something such as lie about taking a drug and I am ready to break up never to think of them again. I will not cry and fight for them to stay. It is like my mind has to reach a certain point before it will allow me to give up. Friends can insult me and those I love but let them one day cancel a friends night and I suddenly have the ability to never speak to them again. I don’t know why this is or even when the glitch will happen I just know that it does.
It reminds me of glass breaking. Emotions are using contained behind a mirror of sorts. I understand that they are there but it is very muted. I feel them but almost as an after thought. There are days when I have to fake my way through what is going on, smiling when I feel no joy and crying when I feel no sorrow. I am not always sure how to respond to things but I do my best.
Sadly my best is not always right. There are times when I do not understand that telling a joke is not the best thing to do in certain circumstances. I get angry over little things when everyone else is having fun. I really don’t know what I am doing or what is going on till it is too late.