I refuse to say sorry for not saying goodbye

I did not say goodbye instead I sat there crying. 

I couldn’t get the words out. I couldn’t even think. Instead I cried for what felt like hours until my tears where spent.

Tried to fake a smile and pretend things are going ok. For my daughter I pretened that I am all right with this end. 

But I can’t seem to feel anymore. I can’t bring myself to care. All I have is a liquid heart because what was once there has melted. 

I am not happy with the hand I was dealt and really just want to lie down and give up. 

I Can’t even end this on a proper note. I can’t make a decent beat…im done.

Untitled cause I do not care

I lost someone today and yet the first thing to be said is how lucky they are.

To god…they are with god and jesus.

Yay amen.

How lucky they are.

Call me selfish but that doesn’t make me happy. That doesn’t change  fact that they are gone and I never got to say good. That I didn’t even know that they where sick in the first place. Instead they are dead and you are telling me to be happy. To be proud that they get to see how savior. 

I am not.

Not instead I am not sad, I am fucking pissed. I am pissed that you and others believe I need to be happy they are gone. I am pissed that I am suppose to hold pride in my heart instead of sadness. 

In the end you got your wish. I am so angry, so very beyound angry actually. I do not want to see people. I do not want to see smiles or tears of joy. I want only the best pain for everyone. The best sort of pain because I can not stand to see so much calm around me. I want to destroy all that is beautiful. 
 Aside from this feeling of liquid leaking from my chest, I can’t feel anymore. I want to watch the world burn and I do not care if I burn with it. 

………
In time I will feel ok but the sprial is taking hold off me. How could they expect me to be happy. I say I am angry but really I am numb…I think. I think I am numb… 

God made a promise

How do you see me? Care to pray to bring me closer to you? I have been watching for awhile now but don’t bother hoping that you will be saved. This is a test you need to survive. It is needed for you to succeed in life. Blood on your hands and knees. I love the sounds you make as you grieve. Mock pity as you repent not understanding that you good luck as been spent.

Touch yourself in unholy ways yet beg me to save you on weaker days.

I do not think you know, but this is the way to save your pitiful soul.

Fevered whispers

Whistle me a lullaby so I may go to sleep

Standing at the alter now, please momma don’t weep

I never meant to say goodbye for long but that is how it is going to be

Taken out by a light I didn’t try to keep

Forgive me momma

All will be ok

Take my body and prove to them

That light won’t win today
Whistle me a lullaby

Though I can’t hear no more

Standing at the alter

Watching forever more

F

Ever prayed? 

I lied…well I sort of lied.

See I told someone I prayed for them when really I sat at home and didn’t think.

Of them I mean, I didn’t think of them.

I thought…just not of them

No I sat at home and played a game.

Facebook messaged some friends about stupid things.

I am not even sure why I said I would.

I can’t even remember what their problem was.

Still I lied and said I prayed.

Told them I talked to lord for them just about every day.

I didn’t, nope, instead I downloaded this cool movie.

Watched it for a few hours meaning to do the right thing.

I paused it for a while and listened to some music.

Got into a “mood” and figured I should think of them.

Sat there for a few minutes with my headphones in and the music still going.

Contemplating what to say to God.

Gave up about five minutes into thinking about them and returned to my song.

But then I decided to try again.

Speak to God like I promised my friend I would.

I think I may have said or word or two.

Now I think about it, I didn’t even do the opening line or closing line.

No ‘Hi God’ or ‘Amen’

Oh well!

Pretty sure they will be ok.

Letters of a Petty Poet

Dandy man

Goody goody gum drops

Is that the way a slut drops?

To you knees, don’t tease me

Only pain will please me.

Please don’t beg, I will slide it nice and easy

Scream until your heart breaks 

Oh yes! That’s the sound that sluts make

Bladed knife so dull, fuck till I am full

Hold against your heaving breast

And make a cross upon your chest

Goody goody gum drop

Is that the sound you make as ayour heart stops

On the ground, your bleeding

Opened eyes yet can’t see me

Blocked Heart

In my home there is a closet that houses the true me. The side not many see for fear that they will leave. Inside this closet, so tall and dark, lies a chest where I have locked up my heart. I pass it often to and hear the beating within. I ignore so my true self won’t win. See it wants out. It is not afraid. It wants to show the world who I truly am. I fight everyday, trying to keep it all inside. Making sure the key is always in my sight. One day I got distracted and someone wheedled themselves in. Took my heart from me and tried to keep it with them. I tried to fight them hurt them in every way I could. But they where strong and never gave up. They say my true self and never judged. Oh did it hurt, to be this bare. To have someone know, to have them always there. Always watching, always listening, always talking, so much noise. I felt like I lost a life I never allowed myself to leave. The true me was content though; my heart was loved. My body may have felt shamed but my heart was loved.

To this very day I fight them. I want it back, while I am happy, I still crave the hate. It is easier to bear. Easier than dealing with this unknown love and having someone there.

Absolutely 

‘Show me how to be whole again’

     –   Linkin Park- Castle of Glass

I don’t think I can do this anymore. I can still feel the world falling around me. The screaming of my friends as they are gunned down by the enemy. The enemy I am still unable to see.

I will be leaving behind a memory if I die but that thought isn’t very comforting. People I love will never forget me, but that doesn’t make death any easier to bear.

Is giving up really a bad thing? Is cowering away beneath some rocks truly evil? Others will say but I am afraid to die. I am afriad to give my life to this meaningless cause. I can taste their fear.

My friends bodies surround me as the enemy draws near. The enemy I can’t help but understand.

Does it make a monster to regret it all?

I have loved ones who need me so how can I leave. Does it make me a coward to destest the idea of going? 

I give up though…take me away. I guess I will find all the answers at heavens gate.