I lost someone today and yet the first thing to be said is how lucky they are.

To god…they are with god and jesus.

Yay amen.

How lucky they are.

Call me selfish but that doesn’t make me happy. That doesn’t change  fact that they are gone and I never got to say good. That I didn’t even know that they where sick in the first place. Instead they are dead and you are telling me to be happy. To be proud that they get to see how savior. 

I am not.

Not instead I am not sad, I am fucking pissed. I am pissed that you and others believe I need to be happy they are gone. I am pissed that I am suppose to hold pride in my heart instead of sadness. 

In the end you got your wish. I am so angry, so very beyound angry actually. I do not want to see people. I do not want to see smiles or tears of joy. I want only the best pain for everyone. The best sort of pain because I can not stand to see so much calm around me. I want to destroy all that is beautiful. 
 Aside from this feeling of liquid leaking from my chest, I can’t feel anymore. I want to watch the world burn and I do not care if I burn with it. 

………
In time I will feel ok but the sprial is taking hold off me. How could they expect me to be happy. I say I am angry but really I am numb…I think. I think I am numb…